Special Rant: 2004 Wrap-up From Peter DeLorenzo, The Auto Extremist

by Peter M. DeLorenzo

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times - the heroes, the villains and the utterly clueless of 2004.

Detroit. Here we go again - another tumultuous year in the automobile business has blown by us like a runaway train. And in the midst of the chaos, a clear picture developed as to who had their act together in 2004, and who couldn't get their act together if you spotted them the "a" and the "t." We witnessed the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in 2004, usually in the same week - if not the same day, in some cases. For every brilliant car company maneuver or executive decision that was lauded and promoted by earnest PR minions from the rooftops, there was an equally dimwitted maneuver or executive decision that confounded all rational thought and left seasoned industry observers shaking their heads.

In short, the automobile business is a kaleidoscope of breathtaking talent, vision and creativity, which unfortunately more often than not is offset by barely mediocre, second-tier players who are seemingly hell-bent on running anything they touch into the ground - all locked together in a swirling maelstrom of absurdity only intermittently interrupted by the shining light of reason and common sense.

So without further ado, let's get on with it. We kicked it all off, of course, at last January's Detroit Auto Show...

Just give 'em a roomy, underpowered sedan that looks like a five year-old VW Passat on steroids - Hellooo, Urban Blandness! J Mays certainly has his finger on the pulse of the American consumer alright. After debuting the gorgeous new Mustang and the production version of the Ford GT, the J-ster wowed the assembled media with his "retro-futurism" as applied to the VW Passat - calling it the new Ford Five Hundred. As the media shuffled their feet and looked at their watches, Mays explained that this is exactly what America wants - a blandly conservative sedan with lots of room. As proof of his contention, Mays pointed to the runaway success of the Camry to validate his vision for Ford's sedan of the future. Mays was even quoted in The New York Times as defending the 500's VW-Audi-esque look with a flippant, "You can never look too much like an Audi, can you?" which instantly became the Autoextremist Bonehead Quote of the Year for 2004. This was the car that was supposed to lead Ford out of the wilderness and finally give them a passenger car entry to compete with the best family sedans out there? But all Ford insiders could muster (off the record, of course), was that at least the Five Hundred (and its Mercury Montego cousin) were "light years better than the Taurus," which wasn't exactly saying much, either. Mays went onto coin Ford's future design look as "urban toughness," although the new Five Hundred obviously hadn't received the benefit of that new thinking yet - so we preferred to just call it "urban blandness." But the new Five Hundred does hold eight golf bags (halle-frickin-luja!), so there's that at least. Devoid of even a whiff of design "reach" - the new Ford Five Hundred and Mercury Montego were destined for rental car Hell the moment they hit the showroom floor. Thanks J, have fun in London.

Power of Dreams, my Assimo. Hands down, the creepiest moment by far at the '04 Detroit Show was when Honda brought out their robot named "Asimo" to greet the assembled media and to emphasize the fact that Honda wants to be known as "a mobility company" - and that the robot exemplified their commitment to developing systems that help human mobility. We couldn't figure out whether we had stumbled upon an automotive media conference - or whether they were casting for extras for the remake of "The Day The Earth Stood Still." The robot didn't convince us that Honda is a creative company, it just convinced us that Honda has way too much time on their hands and that their priorities need to be reevaluated. What's next, developing exceptional "mobility" in the next generation of "life-like" blow-up dolls? Honda needs to retire Asimo and figure out how to build an engine that can regularly win a Formula 1 race again - for starters.

We're not fat, we're Mobile! When the news came out that the upcoming February ('04) issue of Men's Fitness magazine would have its annual list of the "fattest" American cities in it - and that the city of Detroit knocked off Houston to take over the number one spot, "Hizzoner" (aka Detroit's Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick) was quoted as saying, "It's probably something to do with the culture. We're not a walking city...Detroit is the automotive capital of the world." Thanks, Kwame, and pass the Krispy Kremes.

Oh, hell, Just Bring Back Brand DNA and Be Done with it. First, the most overused phrase by the car companies, no matter what the brand and no matter what the country of origin used to be "brand DNA." As in, "the new Belchfire 8 is consistent with our brand DNA - it's who we are and it's what we do best." Every possible use of "brand DNA" has been used over the last five years. But now the new most overused phrase is "Active Lifestyle." We heard the phrase "Active Lifestyle" 32 times before we lost count during last January's media preview days, although we're quite sure if you actually asked the executives at the manufacturers who were using the phrase what it meant - they wouldn't have the first clue. After all, this ain't no walking city, right?

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Just Go Ahead and Humiliate Yourself. We were forced to interrupt our regular Detroit Auto Show coverage to talk about one of the worst automotive TV commercials in recent memory. Reeling from the inroads that GM had made on their territory with the Hummer H2, which was propelled by a brilliant marketing and advertising campaign that featured a TV spot starring a neighborhood kid building a H2-like challenger for a soap box-derby type race, which he wins, set to the music track "Happy Jack" by The Who - the marketing geniuses at Jeep responded with one of the most embarrassing face plants in automotive advertising history. The multiple award-winning Hummer spot, which creatively and eloquently expressed the H2's brand positioning in a compelling way without hitting the consumer over the head with it, was witty, whimsical, provocative and superbly executed - and we considered it to be one of the best automotive spots ever done. Jeep marketing countered with a sophomoric and blatant rip-off of the H2 spot, which lamely attempted to make fun of the Hummer spot (and failed miserably) by featuring kids playing in pedal car Jeeps negotiating a back yard off-road course, while the fat kid in an H2-like pedal car gets stuck because it's not "trail rated." Get it? We have never seen a more juvenile, amateurish and unprofessional commercial from a major automotive manufacturer - ever. It was offensive and flat-out inexcusable - and it made a mockery of everything Jeep should stand for. The basic problem is that the people at Jeep marketing have never gotten over the fact that the H2 has completely stolen Jeep's mojo, and instead of approving stupid commercials that do nothing but embarrass the brand, they should have just rolled up their sleeves and made their products better in every way. And then set about coming up with creative advertising that at least makes an attempt at displaying a shred of an original idea. But given the players involved, we're not holding our breath.

Oh, so that's why the GM logos at the top of "The Tubes" look suspiciously like Duke Blue Devil Blue. GM and Duke University (GM Chairman Rick Wagoner's Alma Mater) announced a multi-year teaching and research project to help further the development of fuel-cell technology by 2010. GM will give $500,000 to Duke's Fuqua School of Business, which will lead the project with participation from the Pratt School of Engineering and the Terry Sanford Institute of Public Policy. The program began with the start of a graduate-level course for students that will teach them to understand and manage a broad set of issues associated with technological change. The Duke connection is also said to be the inspiration behind the code name of the 625HP, limited-production super Corvette rumored to be under development. The code name? "Blue Devil."

We control the vertical, we control the horizontal, uh whatever. The Woodward Dream Cruise organizers, that bumbling and misguided bunch of small-time bureaucrats from nine local communities along the Cruise route, managed to take their incompetence to a whole new level. In January, Dream Cruise officials granted the "exclusive" broadcast rights to the event to one radio station (WOMC-FM, 104.3) and one TV station (WXYZ TV, Channel 7) through 2008. There was only one, very big problem with that cozy little agreement - the Woodward Dream Cruise is a public event held on public property, and it wouldn't be enforceable, if seriously challenged.

Time to turn in the Birkenstocks, scrape "The Earth is My Mother" decal off the back bumper, and get me a Hummer! Subaru tweaked the specs of its Outback sedan and wagon this year to qualify as a light truck, thus avoiding more stringent mileage and emissions standards going into effect in the 2005 model year for cars. Old School Subaru aficionados (not counting the WRX enthusiasts who have nothing to do with Subaru's traditional buyers) love to fancy themselves as being culturally aware and environmentally and politically correct, and view anything from "Detroit" as anathema and something they wouldn't be caught dead in. It was interesting to see how the automotive media covered this story - especially the card-carrying members of the anti-car, anti-Detroit intelligentsia among them. And it was interesting to watch as the hand-wringers in the Subaru constituency found out that their precious, politically correct cars had come from a car company that - when a loophole in the regulations needed to be exploited - operated just like the rest of them. The horror, the horror...

"That's why I often rail against manufacturers who have squandered or who are in the process of squandering their brand images with questionable product and marketing moves. It takes years and years to build up a brand to the point where its distinguishing characteristics are accurately perceived by the consumer, but it only takes a few bad years of stumble-bum moves to tear that brand image down - just look to Mercedes-Benz as the quintessential example of how not to do it." (Rant 231)

Maybe He Couldn't Tell His Assimo from a Hole in the Ground. A Honda PR operative (who shall remain nameless) went ballistic (the words "PR operative" and "ballistic" seem to go together around here - ed.) over our portrayal of Honda's 2003 sales figures (they were down), even though several other publications reported on the same subject. He even suggested that we take a Journalism 101 class and that we should "check our facts" about Honda's glowing sales numbers and that we should "take a moment and set the record straight" for our readers. We thought the "Journalism 101" reference was cute, albeit amazingly unoriginal, but the only record that needed to be set straight was the fact that Honda and their PR operatives were incapable of facing the music about their sales numbers. This is due, in large part, to the fact that Honda (and Toyota for that matter) has been getting a free ride from the automotive media for years - with the closet Honda zealots among them having perpetuated the idea that the two leading Japanese manufacturers are infallible. So it's no wonder that the well-meaning Honda PR operative would quake in his Dockers (and official Honda-branded polo shirt) with the thought that some media outlets, including us, are no longer willing to take the Honda view of the world, hook, line and sinker as has traditionally been the case. We suggested to their PR operative in our response that Honda PR would be better off focusing on transforming Honda's "holier that thou" image into something more relevant in today's hotly competitive market - instead of worrying about "setting the record straight" with Autoextremist.com. In short, Honda has been resting on its laurels for far too long. Instead of creating breakthrough products, it's all about Assimo robots and "me-too" SUTs. How the mighty have fallen.

You've Got Your Pillars, Helmut, and We've Got Ours. Espousing his "four foundation pillars" for successful companies at the Automotive News World Congress, BMW CEO Helmut Panke laid out his vision for what makes companies great - obviously referring to his company and his job performance. So, we thought it would be fun to list his "pillars," followed by our assessment of how BMW has - or hasn't - followed them. 1. It must know its strengths. Is this why BMW has continued along a dangerous path of more volume and more dealers (for more profits, obviously) - while launching new product after new product with serious technical glitches that have overrun dealers' service departments and left a trail of pissed-off owners who more often than not are left muttering, "I'll never be back"? 2. It must maintain a tight focus. Wait a minute, does this explain why BMWs don't feel like BMWs anymore, but rather, like technical exercises totally devoid of soul? 3. It must understand the concept of brand. This must be why you've allowed Chris Bangle to run amuck and destroy BMW's design presence literally overnight. It's clear that "understanding the concept of brand" is the last thing that has been going on at BMW. 4. It must develop only products that support the brand. Really? Overwrought 7 Series, gimmicky 5 Series, and buck-board X3s support the brand? In its quest to put a BMW in every garage (in some parts of the country they're becoming as ubiquitous as Camrys) - BMW has lost its grip on its authenticity. That's your word for the day, Helmut. Repeat after us - a-u-t-h-e-n-t-i-c-i-t-y. It's what you've managed to destroy during your tenure at BMW. Sure, you have some very rich and happy dealers, people whom you can always count on to tell you how wonderful you are, and you're still the darling of too many automotive journalists who continue to give BMW props for past glories, but what goes up and stays up for far too long must come back down, Helmut. With a thud. We deal with The Future around here, and The Future from our perspective is that BMW has "jumped the shark," and the journey from here on will be one of acceleration - down the slippery slope toward "me too" mediocrity. We wish you well with your plan to add dealer "points" like popcorn and with your aggressive model proliferation strategy, but know this, Helmut - almost every move you've made has set BMW up for future headaches of gargantuan proportions. And it's all because you've basically ignored your own "four foundation pillars." How ironic is that?

"This industry is littered with car companies that have been doomed to Brand Erosion Hell - to the names mentioned above you can add names like Buick, Chevrolet, Ford, Pontiac, Saab, Saturn, Porsche and a few more. At one time or another, they either lost it, found it or couldn't find it if you laid out a trail of bread crumbs to help them find it again. And all of these auto manufacturers that have found themselves in Brand Erosion Hell share the same basic things: Either they forgot who they are, don't remember who they are, or can't, for the life of them, figure out who they want to be." (Rant 232)

America's Fastest Growing Truck Company? Yeah, Buddy! Speaking of Brand Erosion Hell, despite the high-fiving going on at Porsche headquarters in Zuffenhausen over their eye-opening profit numbers, analysts saw real storm clouds on the horizon and pounded Porsche stock after the company reported results for the first half of its fiscal year. Smugly billing itself as the world's most profitable automaker, Porsche's net profit for the period was $150 million - up 16 percent, largely due to sales of their Cayenne SUV. What analysts didn't like was the fact that 911 sales were off 26 percent, while Boxster sales plummeted even more - down a staggering 44 percent. What it comes down to is that Porsche is painting itself into a corner. After all, Porsche insists it's still predominantly a sports car manufacturer - even though it has been selling more trucks than cars for several months now. So then the question becomes, What is Porsche? And even more than that, what will Porsche stand for in the future? If it now considers itself a diverse maker of cars and trucks, then it will immediately be lumped in with a lot of other automakers around the world who do exactly the same thing. But if Porsche wants to be continued to be known predominantly as a maker of sports cars - then Zuffenhausen, we've got a problem. Right now, Porsche is not only betting that the Cayenne sales will hold, but that the SUV will continue to be their lone source of profitability. We wouldn't take those odds, because it's fundamentally flawed thinking. The Cayenne is on the verge of being played out in the market, and as we asked months ago - what will Porsche do then? How will the Porsche faithful be rewarded for sticking with their beloved brand through their foray into making SUVs? With the introduction of a four-door sports sedan based around the V-8 in the Cayenne? That doesn't exactly help in Porsche's quest to be known as a sports car maker, does it? The best we can tell is that Wendelin Wiedeking's "brilliant" plan for short-term profitability, revolving around profits generated from a truck, is just that - short term. Porsche numbers will continue to look good - but only for a while. And then it will be interesting to see how Wiedeking "spins" his explanation to the media and Porsche shareholders - after knowingly allowing Porsche's core business, which used to be sports cars, to falter.

At least it wasn't six guys at a bar in Boston. USA Today's "Ad Meter" - which tallies the popularity of the ads on the Super Bowl - is severely hyped as a "must" read on the Monday following the game. Well, it turns out that the Ad Meter results are based on only 136 volunteers living in one city, Tampa. They registered their responses in real time throughout the game, so the first ads are rated with little comparison versus the last ads, which are rated against all others. USA Today has "6.8 million daily readers across print and online platforms," and presumably they have enough money (if not pride) to do passable research. The best they can do is base their Ad Meter on the opinions of 136 people in one U.S. city?

They're all Rhodes Scholars and they'll be dressed in business attire. Really. The marketing geniuses at the Chrysler Group struck again in the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl when it was discovered that one of their female marketing whizzes had signed Dodge up to be the exclusive sponsor for something called "The Lingerie Bowl" - which would pit scantily-clad models against each other in a game of touch football that would be played at half-time of the big game on a cable channel. Well, sure enough, the media started to report on it and the usual suspects weighed-in with their hand-wringing about being "offensive" and "demeaning" to women, and lo and behold, the Chrysler Group found themselves in the midst of a media firestorm. Chrysler countered that the girls were athletes and that their outfits would be changed to sports bras and work-out outfits, but no one was buying it. Chrysler backed down (and probably paid a hefty cancellation fee). All in all, it was very special moment for everyone.

You mean this business used to be fun? You're kidding me! Away from the industry importance of the Detroit Auto Show, the Chicago Auto Show has always been a much-needed (and more accurate) barometer of the way consumers are reacting to the latest automotive trends. If Detroit's show is for the industry, the Chicago Auto Show is for the people - and it remains a favorite stop for auto company executives. It's much easier to gauge reaction to automotive trends in Chicago, where fewer people are directly connected to the industry. It also used to be the place (before political correctness came into vogue) where Detroit car executives would go to let their hair down. For instance, GM PR would always host a "hospitality" suite for the press in The Drake Hotel, where (if you looked hard enough through the cigar haze and the aroma of booze) you could see executives from all of the car companies engaged in "friendly" and in some cases, legendary poker games with members of the press into the wee hours of the morning. A different era, a different time.

Anything short of flatulence-powered cars made of balsa-wood, and they aren't going to be happy. Yet another in a long list of California-based environmental groups populated with card-carrying members of the "anti-car, anti-Detroit" intelligentsia, something called the Bluewater Network, ran a national newspaper ad that portrayed Bill Ford as a cartoon character with an exaggerated Pinocchio nose with the headline, "Bill Ford Jr. or Pinocchio? Don't Buy His Environmental Rhetoric. Don't Buy His Cars." The ad then urged people to fill out a pledge form saying they would not buy Ford products, which the organization would then forward to Bill Ford - who is now pilloried on a regular basis for his high-profile pronouncements several years ago about environmental responsibility. Of course, none of these people believe that their lives have anything to do with "Detroit" or the nation's manufacturing base, but if major manufacturing continues its exodus out of this country it will affect everybody, even those who are praying for a completely guilt-free form of transportation - and who obviously have a flimsy grip on reality.

"Needless to say, we feel that Mr. Bangle got it wrong, and he got it wrong in such a big way that it has actually cost the brand dearly. His executional mistakes did nothing less than knock the BMW brand off of its pedestal, and left BMW executives scrambling to deflect questions and comments at media sessions that were supposed to be devoted to talking about the inherent goodness of BMW products. It wasn't just a distraction for the last 24 months - it was the only topic that the mainstream media seemed to regurgitate as if on cue. We even came to expect the word "controversial" and Chris Bangle in the same sentence as a standard lead-in to any story that appeared on BMW. This was more than a distraction; it bordered on image paralysis. And that, combined with BMW engineering's near missionary-like zeal to burden their vehicles with electronic overkill, derailed the brand from its raison d'etre. Instead of giving the driver the ultimate driving experience, BMW's overemphasis on electronic driver aids placed the driver one step removed from the control and "feel" that BMW is famous for." (Rant 234)

How about a snapshot of our third "Comand" center control module that we've had to replace in the last year, too? Perhaps a window as to the depths of Mercedes-Benz burgeoning problems in the U.S. market could be found in the press release issued last spring, which announced that the company was inviting owners past and present to submit photos of themselves with their Mercedes-Benz, to "demonstrate the special bond between owners and their vehicles." The company said it would be collecting photos at the website: mbusa.com/lovemercedes and would consider using some of the pictures in an ad. The release went on to say that, "Over the past decade, Mercedes-Benz has expanded its product offering from under a dozen to nearly 40 models designed to fit the evolving lifestyles of its customers and to bring new buyers into the Mercedes-Benz family." To that we'd add this Autoextremist addendum to their release: "And now that in our delusional quest to be all things to all people, we've flooded the market with down-market C-class cars that have cheapened the brand, while pissing-off legions of longtime customers with our infatuation with electronic gizmos (which have failed at an alarming rate), causing monumental service and warranty problems, watched as our repeated missteps contributed to the weakening of our formerly legendary Mercedes-Benz resale performance and, to top it all off, completely lost our way in the U.S. market by embracing an "approachable" marketing strategy and advertising campaign that has only served to water down the brand and blur our image - we thought it would be just peachy if all of our happy customers sent in their snapshots standing next to the Mercedes-Benz they used to own."

Can't we just listen to Kanye West and be done with it? Ian Beavis, the (now ex) SVP Marketing, for Mitsubishi announced in an ADWEEK story that "We're out of the rock-video business. We're going to go back to basics. What is it about the DNA of the company? What is it about the DNA of the products that is important, and how can we build a value and quality message for those?" That sounds all well and good (except for the use of "DNA" - the car company marketing descriptor that was obsolete three years ago), but then he turned around and announced that they would be doing more "cliffhanger" spots that would have Mitsubishi winning out in competitive comparisons, like the dreadful spot that made its debut during the Super Bowl. Upon further review, can't we please go back to the rock-videos and the cheap leases positioning? At least we could listen to those spots.

Please stop & then we'll be happy. We thought the overuse of the lowly ampersand had reached its nadir with the old Cadillac campaign called "The Power of &" - but noooooooo! A new AT&T campaign, was introduced with the ghastly tag line of "Come Together With &" - featuring the use of 14 "&"s in one page ad.

"Wolfgang Bernhard offers a rare combination of technical brilliance, a vigilant eye for controlling costs and an unrivaled drive to succeed with every project he's involved with. But clearly what sets Wolfgang apart from everyone else in this business are his unbridled passion and unrelenting enthusiasm for all things to do with the automobile. Anyone who has met him and spent any time with him at all can attest to this - it just screams out of him like an F-1 engine at 19,000 RPM." (Rant 235)

Can FiFi and Fido be far behind? The LiFan Group. China's largest motorcycle maker, the LiFan Group, is gearing up to build and sell cars by the end of this year in the Chinese market. Reuters reported that Chairman Yin Mingshan plans on calling his company's first car, a sedan, the Doodoo, "...because it sounds like the noise car horns make. The name sounds round and fat, like Audi, and works for the Chinese market. Cars with names that sound thin and hard don't do as well." The Doodoo will be followed by the Didi, then by the JoyJoy.

They can't handle the High-Octane Truth, Rick. Rick Wagoner, Chairman and CEO of GM, took the gloves off at the Geneva International Motor Show and went after the Japanese government's continued efforts to weaken the yen so that Japanese automakers would unfairly benefit against its competition in Europe - just as it does against U.S. automakers in the U.S. market by holding the yen down against the dollar. Reuters reported Wagoner as saying, "I'm absolutely amazed that everybody sits here in Europe and doesn't complain about it. It's a huge issue. It's like giving the Japanese a carte blanche to come in and use their favorable currency position to grow their position in the market, which is already crowded and highly competitive." We applauded "The Rick" as the only car company chief with the cojones to speak out about what will continue to be a growing concern for automakers around the world.

"If anything, this is one place where the business of automotive advertising most closely mirrors the car business itself. If the blueprint for success in the car business revolves around the sanctity of the product, then the blueprint for success in the automotive ad business needs to revolve around the sanctity of an original idea. A seemingly obvious point - but one that's routinely ignored in the course of trying to create memorable car ads, week in and week out. And clients and their agencies share the blame." (Rant 236)

Gentlemen, thanks again for brightening our week! Part of the fun of living in this town is that occasionally cross town spats erupt in the media, which end up providing everyone with a good laugh. Last early spring, Danny Hakim reported in The New York Times that DaimlerChrysler took great umbrage with a Ford Freestar commercial that inferred that its folding third-row seat was something that was unavailable in the Dodge Caravan. The only problem is that the 2005 Dodge Caravans (and Chrysler Town & Country) have folding third- and second-row seats, and were just starting to arrive at dealers. The Ford commercial was obviously trying to take advantage of a "window of opportunity" before the new minivan entries from DaimlerChrysler hit the dealerships. Ford received a cease-and-desist letter from DaimlerChrysler and ordered its dealers to stop running regional versions of the ad, although it had stopped running national versions on Feb. 9. Jim Cain (Ford PR) chalked it up to "...the rough-and-tumble world of minivan advertising" and said that a revised version of the ad might return as long as there are still 2004 Chrysler Group minivans on dealer lots. Cain wasn't through, however, telling Hakim that, "It's no surprise to me that Chrysler might have an issue with the ad because they're completely unfamiliar with this kind of advertising. They're métier seems to be potty humor." That last remark was a not-so-thinly-veiled slam at recent Dodge advertising and their close encounter with projects like the Lingerie Bowl. Jason Vines, Chrysler's head of PR shot back while referring to the Ford ad with, "We are familiar with that type of advertising. It's called misleading."

"But some within GM still don't get the brand image thing. They continue to look for some sort of magic, dollar-for-dollar return formula on their financial investment when it comes to spending money on brand image building. But it doesn't work that way. That's not how you nourish brands in the market. And that's not how you seed a brand in the backs of consumers' minds over the long run. You have to be able to spend money on brand building with no visible return whatsoever, and then you have to turn around and keep doing it again and again - all in the interest of solidifying the net impression of your brand "out there" in the market. It takes real guts to play the brand image building game, something that the beer and tobacco companies have long been expert at - and something that most car companies have yet to learn." (Rant 238)

Life was simpler when we overpromised and underdelivered. Bob Garfield, the acerbic but excellent advertising critic for Ad Age, buried the Chrysler Group for their insipid themeline, "Inspiration Comes Standard." Garfield teed off on the themeline with the following quote, "Inspiration comes standard????? Why dress in your Sunday best suit only to put on a pair of scuffed brown shoes? Sure, the slogan is true enough, but it also is utterly unremarkable. What carmaker can't say the same thing? But worse, generic as it is, this claim nonetheless manages to sound like hyperventilated car-ad puffery, which only invites consumers to scoff. Why not something that says more about the brand -- something revealing, something surprising, something, above all, defining." But he wasn't through. He closed with the following: "What is hard to believe, and simply unacceptable, is that a line of cars with so much intrinsic brand personality should go out into the media world dressed like this." Thanks, Bob, because when we say it, the paranoid minions out in Auburn Hills insist we're out to "get" them, which is laughable. That said, however, we couldn't agree more. The marketing and advertising from American automakers has been too often mediocre, and in some cases, just flat-out wrong - with only a few recent bright spots to alter that assessment. And nowhere is that more evident than with DaimlerChrysler's Chrysler Group. Here is a car company that has been churning out some really outstanding vehicles over the past several months, including two of the more outstanding new cars of the '04 model year - the rear-wheel-drive Chrysler 300 and the Dodge Magnum - and yet the marketing and advertising they've unleashed to coincide with some of these vehicles have been decidedly uninspired. Yeah, we know, the "That thing gotta Hemi?" spots have been entertaining and have gotten a lot of play, but that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about a marketing group that continues to bumble their way through life, committing basic strategic missteps while coming up with some wildly off-topic advertising that only serves to undermine the integrity of their brands. In the past, the advertising from Detroit typically overpromised, and then the products inevitably underdelivered. Now that Detroit is finally developing the kinds of products that actually do deliver what's promised, the marketing strategies and advertising executions must get with the program.

How about "Futbol, Bratwurst, Apple Strudel and BMW"? From the "Hand Over Fist" file, BMW announced that it would continue to set sales records in 2004, would continue to churn out more iterations of their cars with the blue-and-white propeller emblems prominently displayed (no matter if they look like BMWs or not), and would continue in their quest to become one of the world's most profitable automakers, according to CEO Helmut Panke. Let's see now, with Porsche (dubbed "America's Fastest Growing Truck Company" by us) already touting the fact that it is the most profitable car company in the world, we'll have to come up with a new themeline for BMW, since they're hell-bent on putting a BMW in every garage in the U.S. by the end of the decade, bland-blurring be damned.

"Detroit is finding out just how tremendously difficult it is to change perceptions - even if it's only by a fraction. At this point, even if DaimlerChrysler, Ford and GM each built a 'best' car in a segment (and in some instances, they already have), it will take years for the public's perception to change - even with voluminous praise from the media. Not months, not quarters, but years." (Rant 239)

The sound you here is Ralph Lauren wistfully looking at one of his 100-point Bugattis saying, "Why me, why now?" From the "Things Guaranteed to Make Ralph Lauren Cringe" File, Davin Wheels president and lead designer, David Fowlkes, introduced his company's new line of more affordable "Streetspin by Davin" spinning wheels (to go along with their Revolution wheel line, a Davin signature) by saying, "Streetspin by Davin offers the consumer a high-quality, competitively-priced alternative to the imitation spinning wheels that are in the market. Streetspin carries the distinction of Davin's patented freespin technology and superior design, but at a lower price point. We equate Davin's 2004 product collection to Ralph Lauren's Purple Label collection, which makes Streetspin the 'Chaps by Ralph Lauren' of the Davin product line. With Streetspin we are continuing to offer the style and luxury of the Davin brand."

Let's just say we don't give a rat's ass about the "Detroit Three" anymore and call it a day. There was a marketing seminar in May in the Los Angeles Ballroom of the Century Plaza Hotel, hosted by Automotive News entitled "The Value of the Brand in a Shifting Market." Panelists include, Denny Clements, Group VP and General Manager of Lexus, Jed Connelly, Senior VP Sales and Marketing for Nissan North America Inc., Bob Cosmai, President and CEO Hyundai Motor America, Tom Elliott, EVP Auto Operations, American Honda Motor Company Inc., and Finbarr J. O'Neill, CEO and Co-Chairman, Mitsubishi Motors North America Inc. We wondered out loud if there would be a decent moderator out there who could keep it from turning into a back-slapping happy-fest. Just in case they ran out of sub-topics, we suggested a few livelier ideas: "Value of the Brand? Hell, I could put our logo on a toaster and I'd get over-sticker for it." Or, "Shifting market? We call it the printing money paradigm."

Oh, shut up, Sally. California State Assemblywoman Sally Lieber introduced legislation to repeal the state's current rolling emissions test exemption for vehicles 30 years old and older. A.B. 2683 repeals the current pro-hobbyist exemption and replaces it with a provision requiring the permanent testing of all pre-1976 vehicles. Existing law in California exempts all vehicles 30 years old and older from emissions testing. According to D. Randy Riggs, editor in chief of Vintage Motorsport magazine, "California's current emissions testing exemption recognizes the minimal impact of vehicles 30 years old and older on vehicle emissions and air quality. Vehicles 30 years old and older constitute a small portion of the overall vehicle population and are a poor source from which to look for emissions reduction. Antique and classic vehicles are overwhelmingly well-maintained and infrequently driven (about one-third the miles each year as a new vehicle). Legislators and regulators are feeling the heat from a failed effort to meet air quality goals and are looking for a convenient scapegoat. The old car hobby should not carry the burden of their mistakes!" We agree. There are people in Sacramento who would gladly send the Golden State back in time to the days of the horse and buggy in the quest to create a pollution-free utopia - a "utopia" that would send the already crippled state economy into a fatal tailspin. We know of no other state legislative body more out of touch with reality than the one in California. Going after old car enthusiasts as part of an effort to solve the state's energy problems, while sending a "message" to the rest of the country (a "message" none of us is interested in hearing, we might add), is just flat-out stupidity.

That WOOFY was a CROP DUSTING SEAGULL MANAGER who got where he is by ASSMOSIS. Occasionally the Internet provides us with things that we just can't do without, like the following "Essential additions for the workplace Vocabulary" for 2004:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials and Michael Jackson's affairs are examples.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, etc.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

"If I had $25,000 for every car company that said it would increase its sales in the U.S. market by upwards of 25 to 50 percent in the next five years, I'd be picking out the color and equipment for my new Carrera GT right about now. The fact is that these manufacturers can't all increase their share. As a matter of fact, some will even see a decrease in share because of the intensifying competition that's going on in this - the most competitive automotive market in history. I've often wondered what compels executives to make grandiose predictions at these auto shows. Are they caught up in the "me-too" overhyped frenzy that seems to permeate the media preview atmosphere with all of the associated hoopla - and the favorable lighting? Or are they goaded into it by the overbloated predictions from their competitors? Or are they just tired from being asked the same questions in back-to-back interviews all day, and they just crack under pressure and throw something out there just for the hell of it?" (Rant 240)

What's love got to do with it? Mercedes-Benz USA followed up trolling for customer photos of their M-B cars by launching a new brand image advertising campaign designed to "emphasize the unique and enduring relationship between the brand and its customers" and get the auto manufacturer on the right track after a solid decade of strategic missteps and recurring quality issues. The theme line for the campaign is, "The love never fades. Unlike any other. Mercedes-Benz." Other than that insipid conflagration of words masquerading as a themeline, we applauded the attempt at doing something to prop up Mercedes-Benz in the US after years of misguided marketing tactics and uncharacteristic quality problems did their best to slowly but surely erode this once-proud brand. We were frankly unconvinced, however, that a touchy-feely "huggable" Mercedes-Benz was going to be enough to get people back in touch with their inner "Benz." We still wanted to ask the question "why?" - as in why Mercedes-Benz? This new campaign is about the good feelings that some people have for their Benzes, but what does that have to do with the disaffected owners of the last five years who have sworn off the brand for various egregious transgressions that have soured them on the brand for good? After setting the disastrous strategic course of becoming more "approachable" and forcing the brand downward in a market that was rising upward - Mercedes has lost its raison d'etre in the U.S. And, judging by reports from the German market, indications are that the brand has slipped dramatically on its home turf too. What will Mercedes-Benz stand for, exactly? Will Mercedes offer more quality and customer satisfaction than Lexus? Will it offer more engineering detail and sporting character than BMW? Will it even offer the design sophistication and emerging technical excellence of Cadillac? Will it be all of the above or none of the above? People need a reason why. And this campaign didn't offer any answers. The essence of Mercedes-Benz was never about the passion and pride of the owners - it was about the passionate engineering that resonated from the cars that were once "engineered like no other car in the world." This ad campaign may make Mercedes-Benz loyalists happy, but last time we checked, they're a dwindling minority.

A deal like every other. To put an exclamation point on just how far the Mercedes-Benz brand has tumbled in the U.S. market, a good friend of ours reported that he received an email from Travelocity informing him that he could rent a C-class from Payless for $199/week. As he said, "You know it is over for the three-pointed star when it joins the ranks of the Pontiac Grand Am and Chevy Lumina. Goodbye, brand cachet; hello, rental car ignominy." Amen.

That's all well and good, but what about the nut behind the wheel? Nissan introduced a new electronic Lane Departure Warning system (LDW), which will be offered in its luxury Infiniti FX45, but we don't necessarily agree with the overall direction that this technology is taking us. The LDW system can be configured with a variety of characteristics that are specified to the exact needs of each automaker. That's all well and good, and driving while drowsy is a major concern, but the "technology creep" that the auto business is seemingly embracing at a furious rate has its dark side. There is no amount of technology that can compensate for poor judgment or incompetence behind the wheel. Period. If these new technologies are annoying or distracting in any way in the daily operation of a car or truck - people will turn them off in droves. Car companies will never be able to "create" better drivers through technology, and governments will never be able to legislate competence behind the wheel. The idea of using technology as some sort of ultimate panacea to make up for the basic lack of proper driver education is nothing but a fool's errand.

"But Detroit is continuing on its path of more and deeper cuts in its quest to gain even more efficiencies, with little attempt at building partnerships with suppliers except in the cases when they just can't get the job done without them. And even then it's done with a grudging acknowledgment instead of a sense of appreciation. In the midst of all of these maneuverings is the reality that the manufacturers are looking to China as the Holy Grail for reduced supplier costs, and they're willing to leave long-time contributors to their efforts broke and busted at the side of the road if they have to. Executives in Detroit continue to scratch their heads as to why Toyota is this seemingly unstoppable juggernaut. They point to the obvious product and marketing successes, but they never mention the fact that Toyota has developed a legion of loyal suppliers based on a relationship of mutual respect - and not one of intimidation or threats. And lo and behold, suppliers actually want to work for Toyota. They want to give Toyota their best creative thinking because they enjoy a level of trust in their professional relationship that Detroit can't match." (Rant 241)

Dan is The Man. Dan Neil of the Los Angeles Times, long one of our favorite writers - of any kind - was awarded a Pulitzer Prize for criticism. Dan is and has been clearly the best writer of automotive reviews working in the business today. Up until now, it has been easy for the vast majority of the journalistic intelligentsia in the media to turn their noses up at journalists who write about automobiles - that somehow it wasn't considered "proper" journalism and couldn't, or shouldn't, be taken seriously. The fact that Dan was recognized by the Pulitzer committee for criticism completely transforms what he does (and the genre itself) into an entirely different dimension altogether. Automobiles remain one of the boldest image statements available to the average consumer in our world today. And with design becoming even more crucial with each new model introduction, the fashion and image-enhancing aspects of the automobile will become even more important going forward. As the industry moves toward more "batch-building" of limited-production niche vehicles - vehicles customized for the individual consumer either at the factory or from the addition of aftermarket equipment, automobiles will remain highly influential and at the very forefront of cultural trends. The Pulitzer Prize committee recognized Dan for who he is - a superb writer and simply one of the finest critics working today. And the fact that writing about automobiles has all of a sudden become a more noble profession overnight because of Dan's recognition - makes it all that much better. Heartfelt congratulations again, Dan - from all of us here at Autoextremist.com.

Aw, hell, we liked Fusion better anyway. It was hard not to "pile on" Ford's latest fiasco - but it couldn't be avoided. Ford intended on using the Futura name on a mid-sized sedan it would begin selling in 2005 that was based on the excellent Mazda6 platform. Ford originally used the name on a '55 Lincoln concept and blithely went along planning on using the name again on the new car. There was a small problem, however, in that the Pep Boys auto parts chain of stores had used the Futura name on its line of tires since 1964. Ford sued for the rights in U.S. District Court in Detroit - and promptly lost. The Pep Boys offered to license the name to Ford, but Ford declined. So the Ford Division, sticking with its silly naming scenario - which insists on only using names that begin with the letter "F" - had to come up with a new name for a car that would be out in less than a year.

Now, Helmut, it's about that iDrive... We teed off on BMW several times over the year, but there was one case when they deserved our accolades. Ironically coinciding with our "horsepower" issue - BMW CEO Helmut Panke nailed the giant disconnect that will occur if auto manufacturers embrace fuel cells as the only technology concept for using hydrogen to power our vehicles. In making the announcement yesterday that BMW would have a "hybrid" 7 Series that would be able to run on gasoline and hydrogen within the next four years (BMW plans on having a number of hydrogen fuel stations at BMW retail centers by then), Mr. Panke, according to a Dow Jones Newswire report, explaining why BMW will still use internal combustion engines instead of fuel cells with their hydrogen technology, had this to say: "The experience of driving will not be possible with fuel-cell cars." We wrote about this fact a couple of years ago. Vehicles with fuel-cell power will not only anesthetize the driving experience to the point of being a nonevent, it could transform our vehicles from being living, breathing machines (some of which stir passions and emotions) into cold, soulless devices that stir nothing. It's nice to hear a CEO of a car company talking about "the experience of driving" - and really mean it. We would hope that the other manufacturers don't forget that the experience of driving can't get lost in translation as we explore alternative future fuel sources.

Thanks for the memories. The last Oldsmobile ever - an Olds Alero - was built in Lansing this past year. The Oldsmobile was named for its founder, Ransom E. Olds, who started the Olds Motor Vehicle Co. in Lansing in 1897. GM introduced a series of 500 Special Edition Aleros, which featured the obligatory special logos and certificates of authenticity, so those looking for a healthy dose of nostalgia could have one last fling with the brand. The last car went straight to the R.E. Olds Transportation Museum in Lansing. At one point, GM was selling one million Oldsmobiles per year, but the subsequent steady decline in sales of the brand as the market changed and the fact that GM was preoccupied with several other issues (the launch of Saturn, for one) eventually caused the demise of one of the world's oldest automotive nameplates. It's too bad that the last Olds is an Alero - a car that couldn't be further from what the brand represented in its best years.

The end of civilization? Not as long as there are Steve Stanzaks out there. Steve Stanzak, a 20-year-old from Waterloo, N.Y., and a New York University sophomore, spent the last eight months sleeping in the basement of a university library because he couldn't afford housing. He used chairs for his bed, cleaned up in the library restrooms and sometimes grabbed a shower at a friend's house. The creative writing major worked four jobs and had just enough money to cover tuition expenses. NYU ended up giving him a dorm room - free of charge. Stanzak's response? "I love this school."

"In the end, DaimlerChrysler management action in the Wolfgang Bernhard situation will certainly prove to be one of the biggest mistakes by a company in automotive history. To protect its obsolete corporate culture rather than make the tough decisions to prepare it for the future is simply unconscionable. And to let its brightest star go over petty corporate turf wars - is even more so. It's no big surprise to hear that industry analysts around the world are now seriously questioning DaimlerChrysler's long-term future. If they're that resistant to change - how can they possibly hope to survive?" (Rant 246)

How do you spell "juggernaut" again? T-O-Y-O-T-A. Toyota announced a record profit for its fourth quarter of $3.11 billion (351.2 billion yen) - double the same quarter last year - which brings their total annual profit to $10.2 billion (1.16 trillion yen) - a 55 percent increase over the year before and double the combined earnings of Ford and General Motors. Toyota also became the first Japanese company to top one trillion yen in annual income. And one important thing to remember about these numbers? Toyota sold half the number of vehicles GM and Ford did.

From the "Smoke and Mirrors" File - Part I. At the end of April, Mercedes-Benz dumped a boatload of C- and M-class vehicles into their dealer "service loaner" program in the U.S. in order to pump up their final sales numbers. It's a clever way of getting a bunch of units "over the curb" - even though those vehicles will have to be dealt with down the road at some point. An old-school trick formerly used by domestic manufacturers, usually to make the year-end sales numbers look good - the move smacked of desperation on Mercedes' part to make things look better than they really were. It didn't work. Add to that the fact that Mercedes announced a recall in May of 680,000 E-class, T models and SL roadsters for a problem in the cars' Sensotronic Brake Control systems, due to a defect in the system's hydraulics - and a picture began to emerge of just how much trouble the once-proud brand was in. Mercedes-Benz was on a roll alright - right downhill.

"To compete in this new world automotive order, Mercedes-Benz needs vision and creativity and passion. You don't light a fire under a bankrupt culture that is buried in the past and intent on seeing the world as it used to be, by patting people on the back and suggesting that "we're just in a bit of a bad spot right now" and move on. That's just not going to cut it in the 21st century. Which was exactly Bernhard's point, come to think of it." (Rant 247)

Whining Motorists, Etc. We noticed the hue and cry rising up across all spectrums of the media from whining motorists who were shocked - shocked - that their various vehicles got worse mileage than the EPA estimates claimed they would. And the loudest whining came from motorists who bought hybrids and expected the sun, moon and the stars from their vehicles - only to discover that they were getting much worse mileage than promised. Message to all offended motorists: Pay attention to the words on your EPA mileage label that says, "Your mileage may vary." Because it will, and it does. Then get over it.

Happy Hard-Core Truckers. As gasoline pump prices climbed, the incentives kept growing too on vehicles like the Ford F-150 pickup and the Chevrolet Suburban and Tahoe. Far from being dissuaded by $2.50 per gallon gas, hard-core truck buyers salivated at the prospect that the incentives would go even higher over the summer months. Their only decision? When to jump in...

"As a matter of fact, Toyota is the hungriest car company in the world right now. They're using their success to do more research and development, chase down their flaws, explore new segments and fine-tune the details - all in order to build on the eye-opening success they've already achieved. In short, Toyota just wants it more than everybody else - and unless it completely blows up somewhere along the way, it will be "The Juggernaut" for many years to come." (Rant 248)

You will buy it, and when you come around to see things our way - you will like it. Mercedes-Benz recalled 140,000 cars in the U.S. because their advanced electro-hydraulic brake systems could fail when air bubbles develop in the hydraulic tank. Not exactly the kind of news Mercedes needed, considering their steady brand erosion and infuriating quality glitches. We warned everyone not to be fooled by Mercedes' improvement in the latest J.D. Power Initial Quality Study, because 1. We don't put too much stock in short-term quality ratings and 2. We knew Mercedes' quality problems ran wide and deep. And so, here we are. Our least favorite thing about the latest cars from Mercedes-Benz is the feel of the electro-hydraulic brake system. Experts can tell us until they're blue in the face that the brakes work better, but we don't care, because they feel less than secure at initial braking action, and they just don't feel like brakes should feel. Period. This whole episode exposes the German engineering attitude that pervades in their latest cars, which insists they know what's best for us when it comes to controlling our automobiles. It's the same attitude that gave us BMW's ridiculous iDrive - and it's that same attitude that won't allow BMW to admit they made a monumental mistake with it. We'll file all of this under the giant "They Just Don't Get It" File - reserved for various automakers who continue to make mistakes and who continue to believe that the problem is with their customers' attitudes, and not with them. This File used to be the exclusive territory of the downtrodden domestic car companies, but not any more. We now find that the German automakers - Mercedes-Benz, BMW, VW and Porsche - are the ones who continue to operate under the assumption that the world revolves around everything they do, and that as soon as the masses catch up with their brilliant and better way of thinking, we'll be all the better for it. Well, they are wrong. And it's exactly this kind of attitude that's allowing companies like Toyota, with their Lexus brand, and even Cadillac - to make huge inroads into the territory formally dominated by the German luxury automakers.

I drove GTOs, I knew GTOs intimately, GTOs were owned by friends of mine, and that's no GTO. Projected to sell 16,000 units in the first year, the GTO proved to be a bitter disappointment for GM and Pontiac, selling a little over 10,000, with the car benefiting from a massive cash rebate push at the end of this year. The GTO was an effort by GM to get Pontiac back in the rear-wheel-drive, V-8 performance game, after the demise of the Firebird and a weak lineup of front-wheel-drive, pseudo-performance cars that didn't measure up had left the division awash in mediocrity. Bob Lutz championed the idea, and it was a good one - on paper. Take the hottest car from GM's Australia affiliate - the Holden Monaro - make a few tweaks and bring it over here as the return of the fabled Pontiac GTO. Taking into consideration GM's "go fast" mantra, it was a brilliant way to shore-up Pontiac's tattered image quickly, without spending a ton of money. And the car itself is an excellent car, with outstanding power delivery from its 350HP V-8, excellent chassis manners, a gorgeous interior and a $33,495 sticker price. But there is one serious drawback with it too. The exterior styling is beyond bland, and what passes for a proper, understated, subtle performance look in Australia with the Monaro - conjured up nothing but long, drawn-out yawns over here when it was presented as the GTO. And therein lays the real problem. The new GTO is not just competing with the contemporary market, it's competing with the ghost of one of America's most celebrated muscle/performance cars. Not just one of them either - but the one that started it all. Arguably no car could have stood up to that kind of mythic image and cult-like following - let alone one that originated in Australia and was aimed at the European performance idiom. It's a harsh lesson for GM, however, and it's a painful reminder to them that it's not enough to just "go fast" these days. You have to figure out where you want to go and why first - and then you've got to figure out how you're going to get there. And you can't leave anything to chance that will be "fixed" in next year's model, either. In the most competitive auto market in history, the product has to be flawlessly executed right out of the box. Raiding GM's worldwide parts bin for the GTO wasn't a mistake on GM's part - far from it, in fact. But going ahead with a program in the interest of speed and thinking that the package itself would be too good to pass up for most hardcore enthusiasts - even though the looks of the car were less than ideal and a total disconnect with the brand image of one of the industry's legendary icons - was a crucial mistake. It does no good for GM to defend the look of the GTO or to somehow imply that there's nothing wrong with a Euro-look GTO, because that ship has sailed. The enthusiasts out in the real world just aren't buying that perspective. They wanted something more. And even though they can't necessarily articulate what the GTO should look like - the important thing to realize is that they know what's being presented to them isn't it. GM is tweaking the GTO in '05 with 400HP and an optional body package with scoops, but in the meantime GM has to regroup, get aggressive with the pricing - and get down to defining what a real GTO should look like for the 21st century.

"The auto industry is a swirling maelstrom of change, controversy, drudgery, elation, despair, euphoria and relentless pressure - all mixed into a steaming cauldron filled with out-of-control egos, brilliant minds and those lost in a permanent fog of stupidity. Yes, the automobile business is quite unlike any other endeavor in the world. And when we started this webzine five years ago, people actually wondered if we would ever run out of things to write about. Not with that combustible recipe, I can assure you." (Rant 250, AE's Fifth Anniversary issue)

You Da Man, Stephan! Stephan Wolfsried, the vice president for electrical and electronics and chassis development for Mercedes-Benz, went off for 20 minutes against "Electronic Creep" in an address at a symposium in Germany. Wolfsreid said, "Last year we removed over 600 functions from our cars - functions that no one really needed and no one knew how to use. It is our aim to focus on things that make sense. The driver will not have the option to adjust everything that is adjustable." Halle-frickin'-lu-ja, and it's about time. But Mercedes still has a long, long way to go to "fix" the lingering bad taste in their U.S. customers' mouths, the ones who made one too many trips to their M-B dealerships for major electrical problems over the last three years. This is a first step. Let's hope the other German manufacturers and other auto manufacturers around the world get the hint too.

Same as it ever was. The battle between the auto manufacturers and their dealers continued. On the one hand, dealers believe that if it weren't for them, the manufacturers would be nowhere. Dealers had to "fix" the horrendous quality problems generated by "Detroit" for years and years, until the Detroit-based automakers finally got the message and started to build quality cars and trucks. And dealers feel that since they bailed out the manufacturers time and time again, they're now entitled to make as much money as they can while the getting is good. And dealers remain adamant that they know their local markets better than the manufacturers - no matter how many factory reps they send out to study their particular market. Which is why you end up seeing Chrysler 300s with faux convertible roofs. On the other hand, manufacturers believe that they've given their biggest dealers golden opportunities to become millionaires many times over, and that dealers should in turn do more to adhere to the manufacturers' marketing strategies - and not do things like put faux convertible roofs on vehicles that weren't meant to have one. Manufacturers believe that if it weren't for them, their dealers would be nowhere. And dealers believe that if it weren't for them, the manufacturers would be out of business. The reality in this tug of war lies somewhere in between, but as long as these bickering battles continue, the focus is taken off of the customer - and then nobody wins.

"And no one represented the spirit of the business back then more than Bill Mitchell. He was bold, powerful, flamboyant, recalcitrant, maniacal, brilliant, frustrating and probably every other adjective you can think of for someone who was one of a kind. He was smart enough to know and he had the innate sense to understand that he had inherited the legacy of the great Harley Earl - and he never for a second forgot that fact. And he played it for all it was worth with a swagger and strut that haven't been seen since. He often bumped heads with the "suits" down at the corporation when they didn't "get" one of his design recommendations - but he usually won the battles and got his way. I've heard countless firsthand stories about the man and his ballistic fits in studios while cajoling his troops to go farther and reach higher - but I saw a slightly different side to him too. Because, after all, he lived just a block away from our house..." (Rant 252)

Then again, we'd watch Dennis in anything... Pontiac marketers came up with the ultimate product placement for the GTO, a made-for-cable TV movie called "The Last Ride." Starring a Pontiac GTO - along with Dennis Hopper and Will Patton, it actually wasn't half-bad.

But Officer, I was going 70 mph! Honda recalled almost 8,200 2004 model year motorcycles because of a computer glitch in the bikes' digital speedometers. The program error causes the digital speedometer on some of the motorcycles to understate actual vehicle speed by about 25 percent, the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration said.

"But what are we to possibly make of the new Ford 500 sedan? After all, this is the car Ford is counting on to be a hit in the sweet spot of the market - the mid-size sedan class where Ford absolutely needs a substantial presence. I saw a new Ford 500 driving down the street the other day, and it was only because I realized what it was that I even bothered to give it a second look. The common knock on the car is that it's J Mays' nostalgic nod to his days at Audi. I'm beginning to think that's an overly kind assessment. In the flesh and out on the road, where you get real perspective and see how the ebb and flow of natural light crawls across its flanks - the 500 conjures up nothing less than the Ghost of Fairmonts past." (Rant 256)

Et Tu, Juergen? As bad news continued to stream out of Mitsubishi seemingly by the day, it became even more apparent to everyone both inside and outside DaimlerChrysler that Wolfgang Bernhard's insistence that DaimlerChrysler not put one more dollar into Mitsubishi may well have saved the company from certain disaster. There was no way that DC could pour that kind of money ($4-5 billion) into a fading Mitsubishi and still cope with the daunting challenges facing Mercedes-Benz - its core brand - and the Chrysler Group. In the end, it came down to Juergen Schrempp placing his priorities on protecting his monumental ego and trying to shape what's left of his legacy - instead of doing the right thing for the overall health of the company. Schrempp's legendary ego may be intact, but his legacy is in tatters - and his tenure at the helm of one of Germany's corporate treasures will go down as one of the most embarrassing chapters in German industrial history.

All in all, it was an excellent adventure! Jean Halliday, reported in Ad Age that Scion had to pull scenes from a web-based cartoon, "303 Caliber," which was launched to promote the new tC coupe, because one of the characters appeared to munch on some peyote cactus in the desert and then proceeds to hallucinate throughout the rest of the story. Scion at first tried to downplay the whole thing, but then back-tracked and pulled the scenes.

Common sense reigns, finally. Los Angeles Auto Show organizers decided to move their show to November, in order to avoid the annual clash with the Detroit Auto Show (aka the North American International Auto Show). This was a great move, as the timing of the L.A. show was disastrous for all the people involved in staging it, not to mention the international media who were forced to spend the end of the year in L.A., before moving on to Detroit. The manufacturers had complained bitterly for years about it, as they couldn't possibly accomplish what they wanted to in the all-important L.A. market, with the more crucial Detroit show just one week away. The first new date L.A. show will be in November 2006, with media days on the 29th and 30th, the week after Thanksgiving. Each November L.A. auto show will be dated for the following year, thus the November 2006 show will be the 2007 Los Angles Auto Show. There will actually be two L.A. auto shows in 2006 - the "old-school" date in January will be retained one last time, before the new show date begins the following November.

It's got cop tires, cop brakes, cop suspension... As we predicted, Chrysler introduced a police interceptor version of its new Dodge Magnum. Available with either a 3.5-liter V-6 or a 5.7-liter Hemi V-8, we predicted the new rear-wheel-drive Dodge Magnum police special would blow the Ford Crown Victoria into the weeds in the 60,000 annual police car market. We're already seeing the first versions in the hands of the Auburn Hills police department, and they look certifiably bad-ass enough for police work.

It sure is purty though, ain't it? The Chrysler Group made a big deal with their "Premiere Night" intro event this past spring. Billed as a huge success and a return to the excitement of product introductions like the old days, Chrysler touted how exciting it was and how well it went over - specifically mentioning three dealers in Dallas that pulled out all the stops, apparently. But for every one of the Chrysler dealers who threw a big flashy party, there were plenty more that didn't even bother going through the motions - like the Chrysler dealer in the south Houston metro area whose Premiere Night celebration consisted of a case of warm Diet Coke and a 300C that was locked - prohibiting customers from setting foot in it - because the general manager had sold it earlier in the day. Doh!

"The reason the concept of "Brand Authenticity" is moving to the forefront now is that after years of car companies flat-out mismanaging and botching their brands - some even doing it while under the banner of brand management - the people charged with the stewardship of these car brands have finally begun to see the light (even though for some it's still just a faint pinpoint of fiber-optic light) at the end of the tunnel." (Rant 258)

It will be a really nice, near-luxury speck though... With Ford planning to use the new FWD platform from the 500 sedan for two new Lincolns, including an LS replacement for the 2008 model year, and a Town Car-type large sedan in 2009, the company has made it clear that they will not be competing in the same league as its chief domestic rival, Cadillac, or with the European and Asian automakers who play in the premium luxury category. This is an outright capitulation on Ford's part, and a calculated gamble that they will be able to wring out an AWD version of the 500 platform that will be worthy of consideration in one of the most competitive market segments in the business. We have serious doubts that Ford will be able to pull it off, and Lincoln is destined to become a strictly second-tier, near-luxury player because of it - and a fading speck in Cadillac's rearview mirror.

We get it now - oh, boy, do we ever get it now. It's funny how much the DaimlerChrysler seems to have gotten religion since they prevented former Chrysler Group COO, Wolfgang Bernhard, from taking over Mercedes-Benz. Everything Bernhard warned DCX management about has come to pass. Bernhard led the revolt against Juergen Schrempp and his minions from pumping more money into Mitsubishi, which saved the company billions. His move proved to be even more prescient than most had even realized, as Mitsubishi turned into a sinkhole of immense proportions. He also warned Juergen Hubbert that Mercedes-Benz was in no shape to contend in the relentlessly competitive luxury class the way the company was currently configured and that drastic changes had to be made. Hubbert bristled at the suggestion and the urgency of Bernhard's tone, insisting that the kind of complete overhaul Bernhard was pushing for was unnecessary. But then months later DCX proposed cutting 6,000 jobs from its notoriously cushy and uncompetitive plant in Sindelfingen, and moving production of its volume, next-generation C-Class elsewhere. Mercedes-Benz continues to live in denial about the major error in judgment they made in exiting Wolfgang Bernhard from the company, but it looks like they will live to regret their decision even more than some insiders already do, because VW CEO Bernd Pischetsrieder tapped Bernhard to be in charge of the VW division (which includes VW, Skoda and Bentley), so that Pischetsrieder can devote his full attention to the burgeoning problems of the VW group. With Mercedes floundering because of recurring quality issues and an image that continues its freefall in the market, and the one guy who could get them back on track gone to a rival, something tells us their "spiritual" revival will be too little and too late.

Um, uh, why don't you just go ahead and use that one chair over there... We came across a letter that was sent to all employees of American Suzuki Motor Corporation, by chief Rick Suzuki, which addressed concerns after a recent visit by Suzuki Chairman and CEO Osamu Suzuki. The gist of Rick Suzuki's letter? How ASMC employees need to "....focus on better space utilization and improved productivity." His letter outlines new guidelines to have every employee utilize "one desk and one chair..." and other similar, "Office Space"-like directives. Huh? With all of the problems facing Suzuki in the U.S. market (please tell us what the Suzuki car brand is supposed to be about. Anyone? Bueller?), the main priority after the Chairman visits is office logistics? Unbelievable. We know there's some talent lurking out there at Suzuki, and they certainly deserve better from their leaders than lectures on how to configure their offices. Suzuki needs to be worrying about brand signature and product and then repeat after us - THE REST OF THE STUFF DOESN'T MATTER.

"Refashioning itself as a company with a "diversified" product portfolio in order to position itself for the future, CEO Wendelin Wiedeking and his band of accountants turned Porsche away from its own heritage, traditions and history in order to enter the truck business. The plan was to orchestrate short-term profitability, with the added benefit of fortifying the company for the long haul so that they can continue to do what they do best - build sports cars. And on paper, Wiedeking was right. Porsche is ringing up huge profit numbers, and high-fiving is rampant in the halls at headquarters. But at some point, the wheels will come off. Porsche sports car sales were down overall by 25 percent, with Boxsters down over 50 percent, just in time for the release of the new 911. Porsche was once known as one of the world's great builders of racing cars, and its legendary founder insisted on racing to improve the breed. Yet, Porsche made the decision to stop competing for the overall win at the 24 Hours of Le Mans six years ago in order to pay for the development of the Cayenne. Eventually, the people buying the Cayenne will not only forget what Porsche once stood for, they won't care. And then the only Porsche people will recognize will be the derivative, bloated SUV that's littering the shopping mall parking lots of suburbia. And at that point, Porsche will have officially "jumped the shark." It will have squandered its legacy, turned its back on its founding principles and become just another car company - and the ultimate punch line to a very bad joke. Brand authenticity? Porsche destroyed it - and its credibility - with one fateful decision." (Rant 258)

Amen, brother, and thanks. As reported by Mark Rechtin in Automotive News, Henrik Fisker, chief designer, Aston Martin, became one of us - a true Autoextremist - when he commented on a number of aspects about building modern luxury-performance automobiles in front of the motor Press Guild in Los Angeles. On the continuing onslaught of creeping electronic technology in our automobiles - the kind that removes the driver from the equation - Fisker had this to say (while taking a direct swing at BMW in the process), "What do people expect from a car? We don't want to drive and send e-mail at the same time. We need to focus on what enhances the driving experience. It should feel like an occasion. The car should drive perfectly without electronics."

Next thing you know, they'll be talking about a 5,000-pound luxury sedan that costs $75,000. Fresh from the "Delusional Thinking" File, Hyundai planned on introducing a luxury brand to the U.S. market by 2007. A few good quality reports and these guys think they're ready to establish a luxury brand in the U.S.? Unbelievable. Hyundai's specialty - which is derivative "me too" car design and copy-cat engineering - doesn't count for much in the luxury class. Hyundai executives based in Korea are the ones pushing this - over the reasoned objections of their American counterparts. What Hyundai needs to do is to keep their heads down and focus on delivering consistent quality, while crafting a design and engineering point of view that they can call their own. Let's just say it's going to take a lot longer than three years before they're ready for Prime Time...

"Ford desperately needs a Grand Slam home run - a "standard" Ford that possesses all of the attitude, heritage and legacy of performance that its greatest passenger cars once had. And no, I'm not talking about some Yester-Tech Nostalgia Rod here, but a contemporary automobile that unapologetically says "Ford" in the very best possible way. Ford executives continue to watch their car sales plummet (the July figures just in were dismal again), yet they dismiss and deflect any criticism by suggesting that when they get their new products "on-line" - everything will be all better again. But at some point, it needs to sink in at Ford that consumers have actually gotten used to the fact that Ford has nothing to offer them - and that when Ford finally says, "Here you go, folks, check out our brand spanking new product lineup!" - a lot of people will just keep right on walking by. Ford is flat-out floundering, and they're running out of excuses - fast. They've squandered opportunity after opportunity over the last few years to make just one memorable, Ford passenger car that wasn't a re-do or a new take on their heritage, and now they're trying to play "catch-up" in a business where playing "catch-up" has become a virtual impossibility. Dearborn, we have a problem." (Rant 259)

Oh, it's only about eight years too late, but have at it. After 14 years, Chevrolet finally dropped the "Like a Rock" ad slogan for Chevy truck, in favor of a unified car/truck advertising theme based around the new "American Revolution" ad campaign. This was good news, but it was long overdue too. The "Like a Rock" theme, which was worn out at least eight years ago, revolved around the Bob Seger rock song of the same name. Right up until a couple of years ago, Chevrolet executives kept insisting that ad research scores showed that "Like a Rock" was doing wonders for them - even though Ford's F-150 pickup hammered Chevy in the market for the last 14 years. By clinging to the tired-out "Like a Rock" ad theme for too long, Chevrolet marketing executives simply blew it. That misguided move prevented Chevy from mounting a unified ad campaign earlier, something they desperately needed in order to make the most impact in the market with their huge advertising budget. Now, of course, they'll be looking for instant results with this new direction - but it just doesn't work that way. It's going to take time - and Ford won't be sitting still.

On second thought, never mind. Jaguar announced it would bring a wagon version of their X-Type to the U.S. in November. On the one hand, the idea of a Jaguar X-Type wagon is about as non-"brand authentic" as it gets. On the other hand, if it prevents Jaguar from going the SUV route, then we'll put up with it. Then again, maybe not.

What was the question again? An early entry for our latest "The answer to the question that absolutely no one is asking" Award went to GM and Chevrolet for their upcoming front-wheel-drive HHR wagon - a vehicle that's supposed to wake up the echoes of a '49 Suburban. It was the first vehicle Bryan Nesbitt did at GM Design after coming over from Chrysler, fresh from doing the PT Cruiser. Due in 2006, the vehicle must have seemed like a good idea at the time. We fail to see the attraction, however.

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again, going forward, design will be the single most important initial product differentiator in this business. As more car companies pile into more and more segments, design will determine whether a consumer will even bother giving a product a second look. With that in mind, then, design will become absolutely crucial. And great design, inside and out, doesn't cost anymore than mediocre design either. It just requires outstanding creative talent, visionary upper management and a relentless insistence that "good enough" just will not do." (Rant 260)

Well, that was fun. As predicted, VW slapped on a discounted lease in order to move "Piech's Folly" - otherwise known as the VW Phaeton. It doesn't matter how good the car is or how well-equipped it is or even how much the automotive media has been extolling its virtues of late - the fact remains that, as they say in the country, "that dog won't hunt." You can't overcome 50 years of value-based history in this market overnight, so whatever the merits of the Phaeton are on its own, it just hasn't been able to overcome the fact that the VW badge is a major impediment for people when it comes to spending $70,000 (and up) on a luxury sedan. VW had sold exactly 939 Phaetons since the beginning of the year, through July. The new lease, which involved a payment of $699 per month on a 36-month lease, involved a $10,000 cash bonus to customers. There would also be a special 48-hour test-drive available to interested prospects. Suffice to say, no matter who decides to sign up for the car during these "blowout" sales days, the Phaeton will go down as one of the biggest market miscalculations in automotive history.

You listening, Helmut? In his review of the 2004 BMW 645Ci in the "Behind the Wheel" column in the New York Times, Jeff Sabatini succinctly pointed out how BMW had lost its way, concluding that the 645Ci "...is perhaps the most egregious example of what BMW has become over the last few model years, a manufacturer of overwrought, technology-laden behemoths, cars that I find obnoxious in both their presence and their operation." Amen. BMW should be royally pissed alright, not at Sabatini (or us, for that matter, since we've been teeing-off on the brand for more than two years now) for telling like it is about the current sorry state of BMW - but at themselves for allowing things to get so far out of whack.

Support your local Gestapo! Consistently the most anti-Dream Cruise city on the Woodward Avenue strip, Royal Oak has a correspondingly gestapo-like police attitude to match. Every year, it's the same tired act from this city and their heavy-handed police force. People from around the country start showing up a week (or two) before the event, and the City of Royal Oak starts making it known that the people and their cars aren't welcome. Here we are in a region in desperate need for as much commerce and revenue as possible, and this city has a problem with nearly two million people showing up for the weekend in the dog days of August? Unbelievable - and unforgivable. As if that weren't enough, the City of Royal Oak goes out of its way to penalize cruisers on its stretch of Woodward all summer long, to boot. The City of Royal Oak firmly believes that one day the Dream Cruise will just go away, and then everything will be right with the world again. That's notgonnahappen.com, thank goodness.

"I can't think of any other industry where less has been done with more than in automotive marketing and advertising. For all the alleged smarts and all of the high-brow credentials that marketing executives bring to the table in this business, it's amazing how many of the same mistakes are made over and over and over again. Throwing too much money at a bad idea? It happens almost daily. Not putting enough money behind a brilliant strategy or not being able to recognize one in the first place? It's so predictable you can bet the farm on it. They piss away so much money on bad decisions and marketing strategies based on ego instead of reasoned logic that it boggles the mind just to think about it. One of the basic problems is that automakers have never really understood their place in the greater cosmic universe of advertising. The industry collectively has a staggering amount of money at their disposal to spend on their marketing efforts. But they spend most all of their time worrying about what their competitors are doing with their advertising, instead of looking at the big picture and understanding what their ads have to go up against for even minimal attention. In a nutshell, that's why so very few automotive ads are worth looking at." (Rant 260)

Come to think of it, Daisy Duke would have rocked Harry Potter's world. After we viewed the new spot for the '05 Corvette enough times to be able to do a second-by-second story board, it's apparent that the hoary formula for Guaranteed Car Commercial Success 101 was adhered to by the letter by Chevrolet and their ad agency, Campbell-Ewald. That long-obsolete formula goes something like this: 1. Hire an allegedly talented big-name director, in this case Guy Ritchie, aka Madonna's husband. 2. Pay for an instantly recognizable music track by a monster rock band, in this case, "Jumpin' Jack Flash'" by none other than the Rolling Stones. 3. Show the car doing all sorts of stunts with a de rigueur series of smoking burnouts, donuts, snap-spins and cartoonish jumps, and 4. hire a "voice of God" announcer for that extra touch of self-importance. Dubbed "A Boy's Dream" and tagged with the ponderous themeline "Official Car of Your Dreams" - this fantasy spot for the new Corvette may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it certainly leaves a lot to be desired as a compelling piece of advertising. A new Corvette only comes along once in a while, and this sixth-generation Corvette - the most sophisticated, capable and fastest Corvette ever built - certainly deserved better than what Chevrolet and its agency came up with in this big-buck, show dog spot. They started off on the wrong foot when they went to the well one too many times with the "boy and his dream" idea. The last time it was executed with any style and taste was way back in 1986 - as part of the "Heartbeat of America" campaign. This time, in trying to do a spot in conjunction with the "American Revolution" campaign, Chevrolet and its agency came up decidedly short - and did a disservice to one of the great nameplates in the automotive world in the process. Chevrolet and its agency had a golden opportunity to do a spot that captured the technical brilliance of the new Corvette - and still do it in a way that was emotionally involving. They had a chance to make a defining statement about the Corvette and its place in the pantheon of the world's finest sports cars, but instead they delivered a spot that is underwhelming at best and bordering on being flat-out insulting in its flippant, "Dukes of Hazard meets Harry Potter" style. Part of the problem is that no one involved actually understands what the Corvette is and what it means in the greater scheme of things. Oh, they'll talk a good game and vehemently argue that they do, but we know better. And to top things off, we understand Chevrolet is going to use the Corvette and the SSR as halo vehicles to sell the rest of their vehicles. A good strategy on paper at least, but judging how they botched the Corvette spot, we're not optimistic that the executions will measure up.

How about a dream sequence with Daisy Duke and Harry Potter drinking a keg, naked, while driving a 'Vette ? As much as we didn't like the Corvette commercial for the reasons stated above, the fact that GM is pulled the commercial because of protests by seven safety groups was absolutely ridiculous. The groups complained that it was "the most dangerous" spot they have seen in recent years, according to a Reuters report. The groups, part of the virulent anti-car, anti-Detroit intelligentsia, sent a joint letter to GM chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner, decrying that the ad "...is certainly among the most dangerous, anti-safety messages to be aired on national television in recent years." The letter also said that "It is doubtful that General Motors would condone the beer industry showing a 'dream sequence' of 10-year-old children having an after-school 'kegger.'" We thought the commercial lacked substance and a creative idea befitting the stature of the Corvette, but it's also clearly a fantasy. The fact that these vermin - who hide behind the premise of protecting all of us for our own good and who actively promote the concept of "no accountability," suggesting that ultimately, no driver is responsible for his or her actions when behind the wheel, but instead that the automakers are always to blame - would crawl out of the woodwork and force GM to pull the spot is unconscionable. GM should have pulled the spot because it failed to do the car justice - not because of the bleatings of a bunch of crackpot safety groups, who conveniently hide behind the notion of "the common good" but who do nothing to positively contribute to the debate.

And now for something completely different... The September issue of W magazine (568 pages long) had a story entitled "In the Fast Lane" by Meredith Kahn. It was a fairly interesting profile of the wives of NASCAR - including Buffy Waltrip, DeLana Harvick, Katie Kenseth, Shana Mayfield, and one girlfriend - Chandra Janway, Jimmie Johnson's 25-year-old model pal and now wife. The NASCAR marketing juggernaut? When they show up in W, we've seen everything now...

"The scary part of all of this for Detroit is that as their obviously worthwhile new products emerge - their share of the market continues to erode. There seems to be an inevitable cadence to the decline, too - in spite of some clearly stellar new products emerging from DaimlerChrysler, Ford and General Motors. The powers that be in this town want to be able to snap their fingers and make this bad juju go away. They want people to set aside their negative preconceived notions and buy Detroit's new products on a wing and a prayer - and to somehow trust that they won't be ultimately disappointed by the products they buy. As much as I believe Detroit has gotten it together and made huge strides in almost every respect, and as much as I believe that consumers out there are missing out on some outstanding new products because of their preconceived notions - the fact remains that Detroit is paying dearly for their serial discounting mentality, and they're running out of time to turn the tide." (Rant 262)

Please say it ain't so, Helmut! Speaking to the Automotive Press Association in Detroit, Helmut Panke gave the BMW faithful hope that the iconic German manufacturer wouldn't succumb to the short-term financial gains from building a large, luxury SUV with a third-row seat. And we told him why: Don't do it, Helmut. Don't listen to the faction in your company or the quintessential short-term thinkers among your dealer body in the U.S. that insists that an "X7" - or whatever it would be called - is necessary. BMW is on the precipice of mediocrity as it is, with its continuing campaign of "dumbing-down" the brand, through its overdependence on electronics, and its clown car school of "we know what's best for you and you'll just have to get used to it" design. Don't do it, Helmut. BMW deserves better, and your reputation as auto industry genius would be ruined forever in the pursuit of a vehicle with a silly third-row seat.

Thank goodness for the True Believers. With the establishment media coming out of the woodwork to canonize the Chrysler 300C and the Dodge Magnum, it was interesting to see what a revelation great product can be. Especially in the Motor City, where the anti-car zealots - those charter members of the No Fun League who run rampant throughout the entrenched bureaucracies in this town but who manage to loom just below the surface - are waiting to strike at any opportune moment that presents itself. These cranks are busy dragging their regulation "car guy" uniforms out of the closet and dusting them off right now, so as not to be exposed for what they really are - poseurs who on any given day present monumental obstacles to these great products from ever seeing the light of day to begin with. These people are at every level of these companies (there's even one chief of product development in particular at one of the Detroit Three who goes out of his way to portray himself as a true "car guy" but who is a poseur of the most virulent sort), and it's up to the True Believers at these companies to ferret them out every chance they get and prevent them from killing great ideas or getting in the way of inventive product programs with genuine potential. It's funny how the True Believers at these companies have to fight and claw with these poseurs on a daily basis for every last inch of progress in trying to ensure that a great product doesn't get derailed along the way, but when a product finally does become a hit - then all of a sudden it's all the True Believers can do to get out of the way of the stampede of anti-car zealots hopping on the "great product" bandwagon. The bottom line in this discussion is that this business is always about the product, it always has been about the product, and it always will be about the product. Great product transcends all - even the weasels who make it their business to get in the way of the kind of visionary thinking and calculated risk-taking that ultimately breeds success. Cars like the 300C and the Magnum, the new C6 Corvette, the Cadillac STS, the new Mustang and the upcoming Pontiac Solstice (to name just a few), are testament to the True Believers - the ones who make the difference in this business day-in and day-out.

Build it and they will...oh, never mind. The good news was that Audi was likely to put its two-seat, mid-engined Le Mans Quattro sports car concept into production as early as 2005. The bad news is that upon further review, we wondered if the world needed yet another low-volume, $100,000 sports car. Jens Meiners, reporting for Automotive News Europe, says that the Le Mans would be an "image booster" for Audi, especially in the U.S., where it is expected to challenge the new Porsche 911 (997), which made its debut in September. Meiners reported that the Le Mans would be "a more usable car" than the Lamborghini Gallardo (which it shares architecture with), according to Audi sources, and would be equipped with a V-8 instead of a V-10. That was all well and good that the Le Mans will be the user friendly, "daily driver" of the near-exotic sports car segment, but we'll reiterate - does the world really need it? We say no, and the Le Mans represents nothing but the last vestiges of Ferdinand Piech's "vision" for the VW group to dominate the automotive world, which now has VW family vehicles crashing into each other in segments across the spectrum of the world's market. After all, Audi still struggles to get the proper respect for the A8. How can they possibly expect enthusiasts to drop everything and choose the Le Mans over its more established competition? The Le Mans was a nice concept, but Audi should do the right thing and leave it at that.

We built it, and they did come, as a matter of fact. Twenty-five years ago this past September, Marysville, Ohio, became the symbolic epicenter for the future of the automobile industry in North America. When the Honda Motor Co. began building motorcycles at a factory in Marysville, Ohio, it was not only the beginning of a new era - it was the beginning of the end of business as usual for the Detroit-based car companies. Just three years later, Honda became the first Japanese company to build automobiles in the United States when it began producing Honda cars at its Marysville facility, opening the floodgates for other import manufacturers to follow. The automotive industry in this country has never been the same since. And Honda also announced that it will build a new Acura luxury sport utility vehicle in Ohio. The new Acura SUV will be smaller than the Acura MDX and will debut in 2006. And the beat goes on...

"And this went on all through the '80s and '90s like clockwork. Detroit would trot out its latest offerings - "benchmarked" in a hermetically sealed vacuum, free of original thinking and inner inspiration - and they'd land with a thud (except for a few shining exceptions) on the assembled media and a subsequently underwhelmed public. Do this long enough, and you'll surely get behind and never be able to catch up - and the denizens of corporate "Detroit" were absolute masters at it. They ended up releasing a series of mind-numbingly uninspired, "me-too" products that were supposed to be "as good if not better!" than their European and Asian competitors, but instead were monuments to mediocrity and lowest-common-denominator thinking." (Rant 265)

What's next from GM - buy a Hummer H2 and get a Chevy Aveo free? A couple of years ago, we wondered out loud if GM would ever get to the point when they'd skip the whole incentive/rebate game altogether and just go ahead and start giving their cars away. Well, in what has to be considered the Holy Grail of product placement, Pontiac teamed up with Media Queen Oprah Winfrey to give away 276 Pontiac G6 sedans to the entire studio audience during the 19th season premier of her top-rated "Oprah" talk show. With 30 million viewers tuning in to her TV show each week and the extended properties of Winfrey's various entrepreneurial enterprises achieving genuine marketing juggernaut status, the estimated $8 million that Pontiac spent on the promotion was no doubt worth every penny, if not a steal. With the entire marketing/advertising business being turning upside down in the face of the burgeoning clutter on television, events and promotions are the new "hot zone" for corporate America. And Pontiac hit one out of the park with its Oprah deal. Did it translate into serious awareness of the G6? There's no doubt about it. Did it translate into serious consideration of the G6? The jury's still out on it.

When too much is just plain ridiculous. International, a maker of heavy-duty trucks, decided that what the world needs right now more than anything is a monster SUV that weighs 7 tons, twice as much as a Hummer H2. The new CXT (for Commercial Extreme Truck) stands 9 feet tall and is more than 21 feet long - more than 4 feet longer than the Hummer H2 pickup. The CXT is a development off of the heavy-duty platform that International uses for its rugged-use trucks designed for road work and snow plowing, etc., and gets between six and 10 miles per gallon (we'd venture closer to six) from its commercial truck diesel engine. International officials claim that the CXT is unrivaled in capability, size and appearance. It hauls three times the payload of consumer pickup trucks, is all-wheel drive, uses air brakes for unmatched stopping ability, and offers towing, dumping and tilt-bed capability. A spacious interior seats five and can be customized to meet owners' specific needs, International officials said. The company expects to build as many as 60 of them this year at its plant in Garland, Texas, and it will price them from $93,000 - $130,000 depending on options. It sounds perfect for people who obviously have too much money and way too much time on their hands.

Hmmm, let's see, .3 seconds better 0 to 60 mph and 2 mph more in top speed - all for $20,000 more? Yet another astonishing value from Porsche! Just in case the bloated Cayenne Turbo wasn't costly enough for some, Porsche is offering a Cayenne Turbo that gets tuned through the company's Tequipment program. The standard Cayenne Turbo - with 450 horsepower and 460 pounds-feet of torque - gets a boost to 500 horsepower and 515 pounds-feet of torque with the package. The Tequipment Cayenne Turbo will do 0 to 60 mph in 4.9 seconds and achieve a top test track speed of 167 mph (compared to 5.2 seconds and 165 mph for the standard Cayenne Turbo), according to the factory. The Tequipment-tuned Cayenne Turbo also gets upgraded brakes and suspension to ensure stopping and handling precisely matches its increased power. Available right now, the Cayenne Turbo with the Tequipment upgrade will have a U.S. MSRP of $109,200 (compared to $89,300 for the standard Cayenne Turbo). For those who already own a Cayenne Turbo and want the Tequipment upgrades, a retrofit package is available for $18,500.

Now, if they could only translate that to the cars themselves. Lincoln ran a small-space ad in the Wall Street Journal displaying the aluminum wheels available on Lincoln cars as pieces of jewelry, with the words: "See Lincoln.com for our exclusive aluminum collection. Four in a set." It was tasteful and on-target, and Lincoln needs to do more of this style of advertising to rejuvenate the brand.

But we'd be happy to take any of 'em. Automobile Magazine came up with "The 100 Coolest Cars" article in the October issue, and though we quibbled with some of the editors' choices and their rankings, we totally agreed with their top three choices. Only our order was slightly different and our top three would break down like this: #3. Porsche 911. #2. 1963 - 67 Corvette Sting Ray. And our #1. The 289 Shelby Cobra.

"To get right to the point, this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde routine simply can't continue if GM ever expects to pull out of its flat-to-eroding market share state. GM can tout its current and future products all they want - the Cadillac STS, the new Corvette, the Chevy Equinox, the Pontiac Solstice, the future Saturns - because they're excellent, and there are more like them coming. But if, at the same time, the constant drumbeat in the media and on the airwaves is that there's yet another new GM sales push going on - there is no way the car-buying public is ever going to get to the point where they will start considering GM products for any reason other than the deal. The "good" GM is a vibrant, optimistic creator of notably outstanding cars and trucks that deliver on all counts - with more on the way. The "bad" GM is a national discount retailer that has created a marketing strategy based on the art of the "deal." Needless to say, these two GMs are mutually incompatible - and something will have to give if GM ever has hope of stabilizing, or even increasing, its market share." (Rant 266)

From the bullshit and ass kissing school of business. One of those forwarded email jokes that's actually funny - not to mention basically true. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

You're either a Porsche driver or a Corvette driver. Period. We had a chance to drive the new 2005 Porsche 911 and overall found it to be a superb car. The big question is this: With the new 400HP Corvette C6 and 355HP 911 Carrera S performing virtually identically - will the Corvette lure any 911 buyers away from Porsche, because the C6 does it all for one-third less money? That remains to be seen, but our gut tells us that the two cars are so philosophically different in their executions that the two groups of owners/buyers/intenders will stay right where they are. 911 fans will absolutely love the new 997, and Corvette fans will absolutely love the new C6 - but defections between the brands will be nil. Same as it ever was, we reckon...

Let's not and say we did, okay? Rumblings from the Paris Auto Show suggested that the Chrysler Group was seriously considering whether or not to build the mid-engined Chrysler ME Four-Twelve super sports car, the imposing ultra-high-performance machine that was designed and built by a small, handpicked group of design and engineering people in Auburn Hills under the direction of Wolfgang Bernhard, and that was one of the hits of last January's Detroit Auto Show. Well, we'll save them the trouble, because though the ME Four-Twelve is a brilliantly executed concept and technical "statement" (one that notably stole the thunder right out from under the Mercedes-Benz SLR), the fact remains that the Chrysler Group has no business building it. Why? 1. They don't have the caliber of dealers to support it, even if they build only a handful of them. Not one. 2. They don't have a clue as to how to market the car - and there's no one out there with the ability to learn how anytime soon, either. Do you think people will just line up to pay $200,000+ for it? Think again. And 3. They have enough problems to contend with in just making sure they get the cars and trucks in their future product programs launched and marketed properly in an increasingly competitive market. The Chrysler Group is clearly in the throes of reading too many of the press clippings about the 300C and the Dodge Magnum. They need to put those down and focus on the business at hand - and that does not include building a super sports car. The ME Four-Twelve remains a fitting tribute to the passion and unbridled enthusiasm that Wolfgang Bernhard brings to this business (ask anyone who actually knows, and the ME Four-Twelve was "Wolfgang's car" from start to finish). The Chrysler Group needs to leave it at that, before they muck it up.

Them's fightin' words, pal. Steve Lyons, the Ford Division president, had this to say to the Detroit News about the Chevy vs. Ford sales battle (and Ford's reluctance to prop up sales by dumping cars into rental car fleets, or playing the incentive game to the degree that GM is), "If that costs us leadership, I guess I will be willing to congratulate Chevrolet on becoming the largest seller of rental cars in the world...and they can have that title."

"The Ford vs. Chevy sales battle was a colorful part of Detroit's past, a time when the American car companies' unquestioned dominance on their home turf led to intense rivalries and created legendary figures who ruled their fiefdoms with iron fists. It was wild and it was fun, but that era is long gone. Now, Ford vs. Chevy is only significant to the people clinging to the notion that this traditional battle means something in the "Big Picture" of the global auto industry, and that the steadily eroding market share that's plaguing what's left of the "Big Two" will somehow stabilize and turn upward soon. That's simply wishful thinking. Outside of Detroit - "out there" in the real consumer world, where 60 percent of the people aren't driving vehicles obtained through car companies' discounts - the Ford vs. Chevy "battle" doesn't even register a blip on the radar screen. Not only are people "out there" in the real world uninterested in the whole question - they simply couldn't care less. And that's the real problem facing Ford and Chevrolet - and the only "battle" they should be concerned with." (Rant 267)

And he'll hit the ground flying... Wolfgang Bernhard, 44, the Ultimate Car Guy and the most sought-after free-agent in the automotive world, was appointed by VW to take over leadership of its Volkswagen division on January 1, 2006 (the time gap was due to a non-compete in effect from DaimlerChrysler). In the interim, Bernhard will be joining VW's executive board Feb. 1, 2005, as a member at large. VW CEO Bernd Pischetsrieder had been talking with Bernhard on and off over the last several months, and talks intensified in the last month. The company said more management moves will be made in preparation for Wolfgang's arrival. If there was one manufacturer (other than General Motors) who needed Bernhard, it was the Volkswagen Group. Battered by poor quality and a doomed strategy into the luxury market forced by previous chairman Ferdinand Piech, VW is in precarious shape. Pischetsrieder, in desperate need of someone with Bernhard's skill, made a shrewd move for the future of the company by hiring the brilliant Bernhard. After leaving DaimlerChrysler over a matter of style (read after directly clashing with Juergen Schrempp over the CEO's failed strategies for DCX), Bernhard enjoyed a relaxing summer in Europe with friends and family - while watching DaimlerChrysler execute virtually every recommendation he had made before leaving the company. Clearly one of the most talented, if not the most talented automotive executive in the world, Bernhard brings a unique combination of hands-on engineering ability, a genuine "feel" for visionary design, and an intimate working knowledge and understanding of manufacturing and cost control. This will prove to be a brilliant move on Pischetsrieder's part.

It was the "Shit" heard round the world. Dale Earnhardt Jr., reacting to a question from an NBC reporter in Victory Lane after winning the EA Sports 500 at the Talladega Superspeedway, which compared his fifth win at Talladega to his late father Dale's ten wins, said, "It don't mean shit right now. Daddy's won here ten times." For Dale Jr.'s relatively mild transgression, he was fined $10,000 and 25 crucial points, knocking him out of the chase for the NASCAR NEXTEL Cup championship. The move was in keeping with NASCAR's crusade to become the benign, "family friendly" sport with universal appeal - sort of like a motorized Disney World - with simulated magic and sanitized fun. Turning its backs on its own colorful history, NASCAR has run aground in its quest to become the "all things to all people" racing series/marketing juggernaut, one that sucks up every last corporate sponsorship dollar available - at least the dollars that haven't already been claimed by the NFL. This incident exposes NASCAR for what it really is - a commercial enterprise out to thoroughly purge the "unsavory" aspects of racing and package the sport into a neat little box where nobody gets hurt, all the sponsors are happy - and most important, NASCAR can print money hand over fist. But NASCAR has become such a pre-packaged media "buy" broken down into segments, demographics and co-branding opportunities that the exposure these sponsors are getting - particularly the Detroit manufacturers - is getting lost in a blur of overlapping advertising "noise" where, at the end of the day, no one hears anything. That's one major chink in NASCAR's armor. The other problem for NASCAR is that it can't turn its back on its moonshine past, and it shouldn't - because it's the only direct link to authenticity that NASCAR has left. Whether or not anyone in Daytona Beach realizes that or not is questionable, at best.

At least they have the Mustang. After the mildly benign design of the Ford 500, a Casper the Friendly Ghost kind of a car that grows more invisible with each passing moment, it's nice to see Ford getting back in touch with its inner mojo with the debut of the new Mustang. We love every single thing about it - the exterior design, the content, the interior and the pricing - and it's quite simply the grand slam home run that Ford desperately needed. Yeah, sure, we'll really love the independent rear suspension that's coming on future hotter versions of the new Mustang, but the car is rolling sweetness just the way it is.

Thanks again, guys! Our thanks again go out to the folks at the Motor Press Guild in L.A. for making us feel welcome at their luncheon in October. Special thanks to John Rettie (president) and Ron Sessions (vice president) for a fun day. We look forward to seeing you again down the road.

"Detroit collectively took their eye off of the ball for the last 30 years. And in that time the Asian and German manufacturers waltzed in and pulled the rug right out from under them. Detroit not only lost a generation of customers, they lost the confidence of the car-buying public in this country. There are simply too many ugly stories about bad car experiences involving Detroit-branded products floating around "out there" in the real world - and that lingering stench of mediocrity is not something that will go away with a snap of the finger or a few exuberant auto show intros of "gotta have" products." (Rant 268)

You meet the nicest people...flying a Honda? The joint venture jet engine company Honda formed with General Electric - GE Honda Aero Engines is actively negotiating with "several" business-aircraft manufacturers about supplying the Honda-developed jet engines. The Honda jet engine program has been going on for 20 years with little fanfare, and Honda's HF118 engine is known as being more affordable and more fuel efficient, and ultimately cheaper to own because of low maintenance costs. Sounds eerily similar to early Honda cars, doesn't it? Maybe they can bring back the introductory ad slogan from the '60s for the Honda 50 - with slight modifications.

Oh, it's some bridge over there - whatever. A special, limited-edition Quattroporte was offered in the 2004 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book. Sixty vehicles were outfitted exclusively for Neiman Marcus customers featuring a new "Bordeaux Pontivecchio metallic paint finish," according to the catalog. It's a stunning color, but we're confused - last time we checked, the glorious old bridge in Florence was the Ponte Vecchio.

"One of these days, one of these manufacturers' chief executives will get up at a national dealer meeting and say, "Well, guess what, ladies and gentlemen? What we've been trying to do for the last ten years flat-out isn't working. We've been trying to keep plants open and prop up our over inflated dealer count by churning out cars and trucks that we have to discount the shit out of - just to keep this whole enterprise going. Well, that stops today. From now on this company is going to build fewer cars, with more built-in value, ones that will compete with the best vehicles in whichever class we choose to compete in. Some of you will scream, but at this point, we have to say, too bad. We want to be thriving in ten years, and not an interesting postscript about a failed industry." (Rant 269)

Our target market...is dead. There was an interesting front-page story about Ford in the Detroit Free Press, written by Jamie Butters. In it, Butters delineated Ford's profit predicament until they can get their new models to the street, but the following snippet from the article was extremely revealing, "Critics have ripped the Five Hundred for its conservative styling and underwhelming power. But loyal Ford customers have been excited by the sedan's spacious interior and elegant appearance, relative to the Taurus or Crown Victoria, said Art Schrade, sales manager at Don Maxey Ford in Detroit. 'It's a large car, with a large trunk, large backseat -- definitely more upscale than what we've had in the past,' he said." And that one little bit, dear readers, encapsulates Detroit's perennial problem, and the dreaded "Detroit Think" in a nutshell. GM, Ford and Chrysler have been catering to their "loyal" customers for the last 25 years, and every year those "loyal" customers diminish in numbers, either defecting to new or more contemporary brands - or just simply dying off. Unless and until Detroit can get the attention of the non-loyal consumers out there, the ones who normally wouldn't give a Detroit brand the time of day, then the Detroit Three will continue to lose market share and continue to mine their profits from their financing arms. The Ford 500 may indeed be better than the Taurus or a Crown Vic, but in the larger scheme of things, it simply doesn't matter. The more relevant question is how will the 500 fare out in the "real world" (aka not Detroit), where its painfully conservative exterior and anemic power are extreme liabilities? These Detroit companies need to stop talking to themselves and patting one another on the back for delivering vehicles targeted to their "loyal" customers, because in fewer than 20 years, there won't be any of them left.

Say goodnight, Helmut. From the "We're Geniuses, Just Ask Us" File comes word that BMW is more entrenched and more enamored than ever with its tedious iDrive control system. Jens Meiners, reporting for Automotive News Europe, said that "Despite widespread criticism, BMW remains unapologetically committed to iDrive." There was a ray of hope when word leaked out recently that BMW was making iDrive optional on the upcoming next-generation 3 series, but after reading Meiners' article, any hopes for optimism that BMW had finally come to their senses were dashed. Though BMW has gone from an eight-way iDrive controller to a five-way in the 1, 5 and 6 series, BMW is still aggressively bullish on the efficacy of the iDrive system. As a matter of fact, reading between the lines of various comments by BMW executives, you still get the distinct impression that they consider the people complaining about iDrive stupid, and that maybe they shouldn't be driving BMWs anyway. Even BMW CEO Helmut Panke weighed-in at the end of the story with the following morsel: "Personally, I still think the eight-way controller is the better system."

"'I am the all-powerful and legendary CEO! I know what's good for my company and my brands, because I am a genius! I know what the people want because I will tell them what they want! Don't question me, you fool, don't you know who I think I am? And pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! I am the all-powerful CEO legend! I will go down in history as the greatest automotive mind of my generation!' Ahem. Well, the previous projection could have only come from one auto executive, the only auto executive in the world who could rival Juergen Schrempp for his blatant misguided theories and the intermittent cessation of reality, our favorite lumbering lunk of runaway ego - none other than Ferdinand Piech, who is now chairman of the Volkswagen supervisory board. In one of his previous lives, Piech was the wunderkind genius engineer at Porsche who was responsible for some of the greatest racing Porsches ever built, including my personal favorite, the 908/3. But unfortunately, the scion of the Porsche family didn't stop there. Fueled by equal amounts of raw talent and giant dollops of ego, Piech ended up running VW and proceeded to give it his best shot at running the ubiquitous German value brand right into the ground. Piech's biggest problem, like most delusional auto executives, was that there was no one around him who could tell him, 'No.' As in, 'Excuse me Ferdinand, but with all due respect, you're full of schnitzel on this one.' And if they did, they weren't around for long." (Rant 270)

This time we're not kidding, Hell really is freezing over! Automotive News Europe reported that Porsche is considering building a hybrid version of the Cayenne - using a Toyota powertrain. Readers of this site know exactly what we think about the Cayenne, but it's clear that this is a new low in Porsche history. The company that was founded on building lithe little sports cars that bristled with innovation and the visionary thinking of its founder has now openly admitted that they have given up on the innovation game altogether. Porsche insists that it has to act quickly in order to meet upcoming stricter regulations in the U.S. (and the growing interest in fuel economy by American consumers), but it's clear that if Porsche hadn't succumbed to the siren song of instant SUV-driven profits and had built an AWD vehicle that adhered to their founder's vision, instead of building a bloated, 5,000+ lb. truck that represents everything Porsche is not - they might not have to be trolling for powertrains from an outside source. By signaling that Porsche is either incapable or unwilling to engage in innovative, creative solutions to execute the Porsche philosophy in a new fuel-efficiency-prioritized market environment, CEO Wendelin Wiedeking has now officially and finally removed Porsche from the ranks of the world's great car companies. By turning its back on the company's history and everything the brand once stood for, Porsche is now no different than any other mass auto manufacturer out there, becoming of all horrible things - just another car company. We wonder when the butchery of Porsche's history, traditions and reputation will stop? Perhaps they should consider getting out of the car-building business altogether - after all, they sell more trucks than sports cars now, so what does it matter at this point? Maybe they could just keep the negotiations with Toyota going, because we're quite sure if they look hard enough they could find a Toyota that they could easily slap the Porsche crest on and call it a day. Who knows? Maybe Porsche will end up being bought out by another car company, the one thing that Wiedeking insists will never happen. Let's review, shall we? Porsche gave up racing for the overall win at the 24 Hours of Le Mans six years ago (in order to develop the Cayenne), they have abandoned the innovation and creativity that they once thrived on, and by the time they're finished, they will have destroyed one of the world's greatest automotive brands - running it right into the ground. Given that, Toyota should be able to get a "fire sale" deal on the whole shebang. This news should finally push the longstanding, hardcore Porsche enthusiasts - the ones who had turned into apologists rationalizing the existence of the Cayenne - right over the edge.

Top 10 AE Name Suggestions for Porsche's New Toyota-Powered Cayenne. 10. The Cayenne FOI (we're Flat Out of Ideas). 9. The Cayenne CT (power Courtesy of Toyota). 8. The Cayenne HB (Hybrid, Borrowed). 7. The Cayenne RSE (Rising Sun Edition). 5. The Cayenne SM (Slow-Motion). 4. The Cayenne YFK (You have to be F---ing Kidding me!). 3. The Cayenne TI (Temporary Insanity). 2. The Cayenne ETW (Et Tu, Wendelin?). And the No. 1. AE name suggestion for Porsche's new Toyota-powered Cayenne? The Toyota Cayenne (we gave up and sold the whole damn company!).

More from the Juggernaut File, etc. They would never admit it publicly, but the people at Toyota have to be secretly "high-fiving" behind closed doors at the news that Porsche has come to them, hat in hand, begging for a powertrain for their ill-conceived Cayenne. We've written often about the burgeoning Toyota Juggernaut, the one automobile company in the world that seems to be virtually unstoppable, but this news changes everything. Toyota is now a technical tour de force, not just a dominant sales and marketing entity. Toyota is fully engaged on all fronts - it races in Formula 1, IndyCar, NASCAR and grass roots sports car racing, it has led the charge on innovative fuel-efficient powertrains, it has supplanted Chevrolet as "America's Car" in the U.S. market, and it has set its sights on capturing 15 percent of the worldwide automobile market by 2010, matching GM's current total. As we've said many times of late, Toyota will easily blow right by GM and become the No. 1 automaker in the world.

"The whistling winds of change are about to unleash a tsunami throughout the automobile business. I believe that we are heading toward a seismic cultural shift in consumer wants and desires that will present a fundamental challenge to the entire automobile industry. The shift toward fuel efficiency in cars and trucks is not only going to become a priority for consumers, it's going to become fashionable for a broad spectrum of buyers. And for some obvious reasons too." (Rant 271)

The inevitable sunset of "bling" - ? Count on it. How do you know when a trend in the auto business has officially "jumped the shark?" When Detroit auto executives pretend to be fluent in hip urban auto culture, that's when. Dub magazine was everywhere at SEMA, and while show attendees were tripping over various Chrysler 300Cs with huge chrome dubs, faux (and atrocious) Bentley-style grilles and the obligatory Dub decal on the back window, which was supposed to impart some sort of bling authenticity, apparently - it was obvious that Dub had some sort of an official arrangement with Chrysler that ultimately failed to flatter either party. As a matter of fact, Dub's image took a huge hit in our estimation by linking itself with the pseudo-hipsters in Auburn Hills and with the announcement of official "Mopar Dub Edition" parts and accessories for the Chrysler 300 and Dodge Magnum. The denizens of the Detroit car companies rarely understand that when they have the good fortune to launch a hit product, they should just sit back, smile and leave things alone - while letting the hipness meter turn positive for them on its own. Cadillac was able to do that during the height of the Escalade craze, and remarkably, it worked. But seeing an official linkage between Chrysler and Dub at the SEMA show smacked of being all wrong, from every angle. We're not surprised that Chrysler got sucked in, but we're very surprised that Dub magazine got sucked in too.

When you pull your heads out of the tire smoke, it's nothing more than the motorized equivalent of beach volleyball. On the one hand, any motorsport event that emphasizes car control is a good thing. On the other hand, anyone who actually thinks the popularity of "drifting" is going to spread to become a form of motorsport with national appeal - you're kidding yourself. Drifting is a fine diversion, but it will perpetually be a regional fascination in Southern California - and counter to conventional wisdom, not everything from California - Southern or otherwise - should automatically be labeled as yet another "can't miss" trend that will engulf the rest of the U.S. Memo to Detroit car companies: It's no place for manufacturers, especially from Detroit, so don't bother.

Best New Product/Ballsiest Promotion at SEMA. We combed the halls, tripped over the babes, got blinded by the endless Bling, and had our ears blown-out several times by Scions turned into rolling stadium-level concert sound systems, but no one, and we mean no one topped the folks at Hand Job waxes for the combination of unflinching audacity and sheer product promotion genius at the SEMA show. Handing out buttons that said "I got a Hand Job (wax) in Las Vegas, Nevada" and entertaining interested prospects lining up all week long, the people behind Hand Job wax are marketing geniuses. Juvenile? Sure. Insensitive? Certainly. So, let the hand-wringing and the hue and cry begin from the politically-correct Nazis, but if the wax and auto detailing products are good (and we suspect they're competitive), we predict these guys will have a hit on their hands with detail shops across America - and in the retail market too. Read all about it at www.handjobwax.com.

Do these people ever miss? What is the quickest way to take the pulse of the market and get a glimpse of what's next? Walk around the SEMA show and see which vehicles are the preferred choice for the various tuners and customizers. The Bentley Continental GT was the clear choice of the big-time, mega-buck wheel pushers, but the Scion nameplate from Toyota was hands-down, the most popular choice for the mainstream, nitty-gritty independents that make up the backbone of the show. Looks like Toyota has yet another winner on its hands, folks.

"There's that 'authenticity' word again, a word I have used in this publication since Day One, and when it comes to the performance market, it's the one thing car companies can't just go out and "acquire" or announce that they suddenly have, but rather, it's something they have to develop from within - through knowledge, talent, hard work and experience. Partnering with bright outside people helps accelerate the process, but at some point, delivering authentic performance has to come from a performance-oriented culture - not one conveniently contrived just to look good at an auto show." (Rant 272)

You can't handle the High-Octane Truth, Ferdinand! Axel Mees, the (former) head of Audi of America since March 1 (after spending 20 years with BMW), explained to the media why the VW Phaeton hasn't sold well in the U.S., as reported by Automotive News. Mees said, "It could be the best car, but I would still not buy it because it has the VW logo and because I have to go to a VW dealership where the salesmen are used to selling Jettas and Golfs. Volkswagen underestimated the weakness of their brand in the luxury segment." He added that former Volkswagen AG CEO Ferdinand Piech "was an engineer and he wanted to prove that he can build great cars, and he didn't look at the marketing aspect, the brand aspect." It appears that Ferdinand Piech didn't think much of Mr. Mees' assessment of why the Phaeton didn't work, apparently, because, Mees was fired because of his comments. As unbelievable as that may sound, it once again focuses the automotive world's attention on the real cause of VW's continuing problems - and they begin and end with Ferdinand Piech, the chairman of the VW supervisory board. It was Piech's wildly misguided obsession with trying to turn the VW brand into a high-flying luxury player that was responsible for the fiasco of the Phaeton. It was Piech's delusional, wild-eyed "vision" that committed VW's considerable engineering resources to fleshing-out the luxury brands he was rapidly accruing, leaving engineers to chase their tails on problematic projects like the million-dollar Bugatti Veyron, instead of focusing on the next-generation Golf and Jetta - their core product line and their source of profitability. In short, it is only Ferdinand Piech who is ultimately responsible for every single trial and travail facing the VW Group, and as long as he's there, and he's able to get people fired for speaking the truth, then we're not optimistic about VW's future in the least - even with Wolfgang Bernhard coming on board. As for Mr. Mees, he is an honorary Autoextremist, there's no doubt about it. Because Autoextremists tell the High-Octane Truth - and inevitably get fired for doing so. We wish him well. As for Piech? His ego, left unfettered and unchecked, will certainly run the VW Group right into the ground. With any other car company we'd label this episode as being "unbelievable." But since it's VW, and Piech is involved, it's just standard operating procedure.

Near, but so far gone. Ford has decided to throw in the towel and is abandoning the luxury market for its Lincoln brand altogether. Instead, Lincoln will be aiming at the dreaded (and over saturated) "near luxury" market - that Twilight Zone of $35,000 to $50,000 - which is quickly turning into the auto industry's vision of Hell, as competitive entries pile up and on top of each other in one giant ball of consumer confusion. So, what Ford is really saying is that they choose not to compete against Cadillac, let alone the import brands, with what once was one of America's most prestigious brands. Whether it's because of a lack of cojones or a lack of conviction (or both), we are absolutely stunned and disappointed by the move. Mainly because Lincoln doesn't have to compete against Cadillac model by model to restore its vitality or define its self worth, but instead could carve out its own distinctive aura at the top of the luxury car food chain with a perspective on luxury all its own. We only have to remind everyone of the gorgeous Continental Concept of three Detroit Auto Shows ago to explain what we mean. Lincoln has a proud heritage that shouldn't be garbled up in what is becoming the auto industry's version of the Gong Show, where the rolling flavor of the month has its place in the sun for oh, maybe five minutes, only to be rendered obsolete by next month's flavor. Lincoln deserves better, but its too bad there are too few people in Dearborn who understand that.

"Near luxury is one giant copout, as far as I'm concerned - especially as practiced by the denizens of the Detroit-based car companies. Near luxury becomes an easy excuse for them, as in, "Well, we're not going to go the extra mile that interior really deserves, because that just isn't the vehicle's mission or price point." In other words, "near luxury" is Detroit's ticket to building vehicles to the lowest common denominator - vehicles that are "good enough" in their minds (and in the vacuum where their creative expression is unleashed and then restrained) - but ones that in the real world "out there" (outside of the happy confines of the Motor City) are vaguely out of touch and out of sync with the best of their competitors. That's why Detroit can't quite grasp the concept of "premium" smaller cars, because when they see or hear the word "small" it triggers some scary robot-like response that makes them say, "Must. Not. Spend. Much. Money." (Rant 273)

End of life as we know it? The writing is on the wall for this area once dominated by a network of countless tool and die shops and other pioneers/entrepreneurs who made up the support fabric of what used to be referred to as the Big Three. The work is fleeing out of this region at an alarming rate, and moving east - to the Far East. It's bringing about a fundamental change in this region, and none of it is good. It has been a way of life around here since the early 1900s, and the dynasties forged in that era and the endless generations of families supported by the auto industry are not only being threatened - they're in danger of just fading away. To those of us who grew up here (and for many of our friends on the West Coast who are now working for Asian car companies but who grew up here too), it is a very sad thing to contemplate. But the world has changed forever, and the people in this region, who identified with the hustle and bustle and who prided themselves on the fact that they were from the Motor City - will have to learn to adjust and change with it.

Here's to never giving up on a dream. Hau Thai-Tang, the man who led the engineering development of the new 2005 Mustang, will assume the responsibilities of Director, Advanced Product Creation and Special Vehicle Team (SVT) for Ford. Prior to his new role, Thai-Tang has been involved with some of Ford's hottest cars, including the launch of the 2001 Mustang GT, Mustang Cobra and Bullitt Mustang GT models. He also worked on the Lincoln LS. Thai-Tang's Ford experience also includes an assignment in Germany, as well as working with Ford Racing. He joined Ford in 1988 as a Ford College Graduate trainee. To further strengthen SVT's role in the company, Thai-Tang will report directly to Phil Martens, group vice president, Product Creation. "The appointment of Hau to this role further cements the importance of SVT to Ford," Martens said. "As Mustang fans now know, Hau and his team did a fabulous job bringing the all-new 2005 Mustang to life," Martens added. We wish Hau well, and we expect great things from Ford in the future because of his appointment. Not bad for a Vietnamese kid who dreamed about Mustangs from the moment he saw his first one.

" 'Knowledgeable' marketing insiders in the hallways of the Detroit Three will sit there and tell you with a straight face something like, '...we have not found any other motorsports event that delivers the TV ratings that NASCAR does, so we will continue to participate in it and support it, blah, blah, blah.' And they would be partially right, because no other motorsports event in the U.S. does deliver the television numbers that NASCAR registers. But do these NASCAR TV ratings numbers translate into actual sales numbers for Detroit? Not by a long shot. Chevrolet runs a 'Monte Carlo' that's one step removed from permanent fleet sales status, while Ford and Chrysler run the 'Taurus' and the 'Intrepid,' respectively, which are rental cars. 'Win on Sunday, Sell on Monday' has now given way to 'Win on Sunday, Rent on Monday' apparently, only with NASCAR's common body templates no one would know the difference anyway. How in the world does this benefit the Detroit manufacturers? I'll answer that for you. It simply doesn't." (Rant 274)

There are busts, and then there are flat-out disasters... How big a bust is the Maybach? This big: Thanks to an alert reader, we discovered that Mercedes Benz of Princeton (NJ), had a 2004 Maybach 57 "only driven a couple of times for Demo purposes only" (actually 500 miles) for sale on eBay for a whopping $80,000 under list price (starting bid $239,000). The luxo-barge is finished in "Two Tone Caspian Black/Himalayas Dark Grey" and has "Labrador Anthracite Leather with Amboyna Wood Trim." If you want a deal on 2004's Answer to the Question absolutely no one is asking - check out item #4508445093 on eBay. But in the meantime, we wonder just how long Mercedes will continue to humiliate themselves with the Maybach, which looks like an S Class on steroids and has landed in the market with a decided thud. We predict Mercedes will officially change the name of the Maybach to the "Mercedes-Benz Maybach" in an attempt at reestablishing the Maybach as the "ultimate" Mercedes. It won't help.

How green is your valley? Despite all of the proselytizing and the hand-wringing by California environmentalists, BMW, DaimlerChrysler, Ford, General Motors, Mazda, Mitsubishi, Porsche, Toyota and Volkswagen all joined a lawsuit filed in Federal Court in Fresno against California's new greenhouse gas regulation, which was approved by the state this past September and is slated to take effect in 2016. Nissan and Honda, who are not part of the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, are not part of the suit, but both have gone on record as being dead-set against the proposed regulation too. This isn't one of those times when the Asian automakers break from the pack and offer a "magic bullet" that will make every other automaker look bad - the issue here is that California has no authority to dictate regulations for the rest of the country and preempt Washington's authority in the matter - period. And the automakers are adamantly against having a patchwork quilt of emissions regulations to deal with all across the country. The environmentalists were all shocked and disappointed by Toyota's action, given their newly-honed green reputation, but they better get used to it, because this is one time when all of the automakers are unified on an issue, and they're not going to back down.

Hybrid Optimism? Not so fast. Are there storm clouds brewing for hybrids just when manufacturers are preparing to crank up the volume? Right now, both Honda and Toyota are paying all of the costs for battery troubles encountered under warranty. But what about afterwards, when hybrids start entering the used-vehicle market? Serious issues will be raised overnight, as in, what happens when used hybrids need new battery systems, and how will that affect resale? Dealers certainly aren't going to pay it. And without factory support and subsidies, what's the real cost of the hybrid system on a Toyota Prius anyway? We can assure you that it's not cheap. Watch for hybrid resale value to take a massive hit in the marketplace when the real transaction numbers start coming into play.

"This business is littered with examples of car companies not understanding the power of their own brands. One memorable moment of temporary insanity in the car biz was when John Z. DeLorean, the then newly-minted general manager of the Chevrolet division, had the brilliant idea (in his mind) of combining the Corvette and Camaro into one vehicle back in 1970, figuring he could make a ton of money by eliminating the specialization needed to manufacture the Corvette by just building it off the Camaro platform. Fortunately for the Corvette, people rose up from all corners of the corporation and got his plan vetoed before it ever left the starting gate." (Rant 276)

Detroit, The Recall City. DaimlerChryslerAG recalled 600,000 2000-2003 Dodge Durango SUVs and Dakota pickup trucks because of a defect in their upper ball joints that can cause their wheels to fall off. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recommended the action after a 16-month investigation. Chrysler fought the recall until the last possible moment, but then bowed to increasing heat in the media and from NHTSA. A separate recall involving 71,763 2004 Dodge Durangos because a cable can short-circuit and cause a fire under the hood was also announced by NHTSA. In other recall news, Ford is recalled more than 474,000 2002-04 Ford Escape and Mazda Tribute SUVs because of an accelerator cable problem. We've mentioned this time and time again, but when import car companies recall vehicles, it's inevitably a mere blip on the radar screen with the media and the public. But when any auto company from Detroit announces a recall, it becomes yet another reaffirmation that "Detroit" builds second-tier vehicles that are unreliable and are likely to suffer from poor build quality. It does absolutely no good to explain to the media that the whole process of discovering defects has become much more intensive due to the increased quality efforts by the Detroit-based car companies, as we've seen in some reports, because it just doesn't matter. And it does absolutely no good to shout from the rooftops that Detroit products are as good as or better than the imports now in terms of quality either. The Detroit car companies are in the fight of their lives - fighting for their very survival, as a matter of fact - because of years and years of building products to the lowest common denominator. Unfortunately for the denizens of the Detroit Three, the American car-buying public has long memories. And when recalls like these happen, even though "Detroit" has gotten its act together for the most part - another chunk of car-buying consumers mentally "dial out" of considering Detroit-sourced vehicles ever again. It's that simple.

"What really bothers me about Chrysler's plan for the Charger is that it reveals an organization that believes it can not only ignore history, but that they can actually make people ignore their recollections of history too. There's a built-in arrogance about this rationale for a four-door Charger that is almost beyond comprehension."(Rant 276)

Well, if we can't beat 'em separately, let's try to do it together. GM and DaimlerChrysler are teaming up to take on the Japanese hybrid onslaught together. GM and DCX will jointly develop a system that is essentially an electrically variable transmission with two hybrid drive modes. The new system is said to reduce fuel consumption at highway speeds much more effectively than currently available single mode systems and achieve at least a 25 percent improvement in composite fuel economy in full-size truck applications - which is where American consumers will see it first, in late 2007. GM plans on offering the new system in hybrid versions of its full-sized Chevrolet Tahoe and GMC Yukon SUVs initially, followed immediately after by Chrysler, who will have a hybrid version of its Dodge Durango. And Mercedes-Benz will develop the new system for premium rear-wheel-drive applications. Surprisingly enough, the development team for the entire project will be based in Michigan. DaimlerChrysler, GM and Mercedes-Benz will eventually offer a full range of hybrids with their new system throughout their product lineups. Even though these two auto giants lag far behind Toyota and Honda, they'll be much better off working together at attacking the issue. With this announcement, and the fact that the volumes being discussed are so huge, it also looks like the die has been cast for hybrids to become the transitional step on the way to developing a hydrogen-based future.

Prison lunch trays and the icy hand of death, etc. In his latest column, "A Senior Moment: Mercury's throwback Montego makes everything new feel old again," Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Dan Neil, from the Los Angeles Times, truly outdoes himself in his stunningly candid (and bleak) review of Mercury's new mid-size sedan. "It is a rare and perverse pleasure to find a car as certifiably doggy as the Mercury Montego," Neil says at the outset. It is "a car whose lack of charisma is so dense no light can escape its surface...." Saying that "the power train's lack of refinement so penetrates the driving experience that it is hard to give the car a fair shake," Neil is not at all hopeful about the prospects for the Montego. "To drive this car is to feel the icy hand of death upon you, or at least the icy hand of Hertz, because it simply screams rental." Nearly every aspect of this car is lamentable, according to Neil. "The faux wood-grain interior trim looks like it came off a prison lunch tray. I've felt better leather upholstery on footballs." Speaking of both the Five Hundred and the Montego, Neil is driven to exasperation - "Has Ford ever seen the competition? They are gorillas and these cars are organ-grinder monkeys with little hats." Neil is the best in the business at what he does, and unfortunately for Ford, it's clear he isn't resting on his laurels. In a market (California) where Detroit has been basically out of business for years (except for trucks), this is not the kind of review that Ford, or any of the Detroit-based car companies, for that matter, needs. It just gives people yet another reason not to go near a domestic showroom. We've been hammering Ford since last January's Detroit Auto Show about the Five Hundred and the Montego, and the bottom line is that Ford is getting exactly what it deserves for allowing J Mays and Co. to aim for the "vast middle" with these two cars. Because when you settle for merely competent, or worse, just "okay" in this cutthroat market, then in effect you're designing and engineering to the lowest common denominator. Ford has put a brave face on in promoting these two cars, but they're not fooling anybody, because the Five Hundred and the Montego, as Neil expressed so clearly - have rental car written all over them.

"There's a bigger issue at work here, too, and it involves the role design plays in the contemporary automobile business. Great design has not only become the price of entry for new cars and trucks, it has become the initial product differentiator for most car-buying consumers. Yes, certainly there are other factors involved such as quality, cost, family needs, fuel-efficiency, etc., but design has become paramount. You only have to look at the Chrysler 300 to understand how design has become absolutely crucial, probably more so than at any other time in automotive history." (Rant 277)

If it's Bob calling in sick, I'm not here. From the "Blown Opportunity of the Year" File, GM briefly flirted with the idea of bringing Wolfgang Bernhard, the 44-year-old product guru, the Ultimate Car Guy and the hottest free agent in the automotive world, on board to take over from "Maximum Bob" Lutz, when he is ready to finally hang up his spurs. It was known that there were several complications with the idea, namely the fact that Bernhard wanted a clearly spelled out succession scenario that would make him GM's top product guy, and he wanted to report directly to GM chairman Rick Wagoner to boot. And the other problems were that Lutz wasn't ready to go just yet, and that Wagoner was concerned that Bernhard's mercurial, demanding, go-fast style would be too much for GM's "culture" and that GM had several talented people in place who are ready to step in for Bob, if and when he re-retires. GM was so concerned about the media attention over the speculation of Bernhard joining them that they put out a release naming several of their "best and brightest" whom they felt would be worthy successors when Bob Lutz leaves - as a team. Of course, we here at AE took that to mean that GM's idea would be that a committee of people would make GM's future product decisions going forward after the Lutzian era, which is exactly what the company doesn't need. The bottom line in all of this is that GM passed on the best product guy in the business to preserve their way of doing things and so as not to piss off the people already in place. As for the idea of not upsetting GM's culture, let's be real here, there is no product "culture" to speak of at GM. There are certainly pockets of tremendously talented people throughout the GM system, especially in engineering and design (wait until you get a look at the new Cadillac STS-V and the next-generation Corvette ZO6), but if there were an actual "culture" to speak of GM wouldn't be wrestling with so many "not quite ready for prime time" vehicles that continue to trickle out. There is no doubt in my mind that GM could have come up with a doable plan that would bring Bernhard on board so that they could benefit from his talent until Lutz was ready to go. Bob Lutz has done an outstanding job in refocusing GM on what's really important in this business, but in passing on Bernhard, GM squandered a golden opportunity to solidify its product development future for years to come. It's great to have legions of talented people on board in product development, engineering and design - that's pretty much a given in today's automotive world if you want to succeed. But you still need "The Straw that Stirs the Drink" in order to make things happen and to make sure that everyone is focused on the job at hand. And in terms of product savvy, manufacturing expertise and flat-out visionary excellence, nobody can perform that role better than Wolfgang Bernhard. So now, Bernhard has taken his talent to VW, and GM is dreading the day when "Maximum Bob" calls in and says, "I'm ready to call it a day. I'm done."

Well, that just about does it, folks.

In what has become as inevitable as the changing of the seasons, 2004 meant another year of losing overall market share to the imports for the Detroit-based car companies. And even though some could point to individual success stories, Detroit's fortunes are definitely trending downward. Detroit's share of the market is now hovering at 59 percent, and several times over the past year it has dipped well below that. As Detroit races to unleash a series of dramatically improved products on the American landscape, they're not only fighting their formidable Asian and European competitors, they're fighting public perception that the domestic brands (except in a few notable instances) just aren't worth considering. And if that weren't enough, Detroit is saddled with a bloated dealer structure, a proliferation of models and nameplates that begin to defy rhyme or reason at times, and crushing legacy costs that are just absolutely killing profitability.

Yet, there are some in this town who still believe that The Answer lies in offering even more models and nameplates - that somehow, some way, the blanketing of the market will guarantee salvation. Glorified badge engineering will never be the answer, however, and the Detroit manufacturers have to get it through their thick, collective heads that they have too many models and too many divisions - and that they must get smaller to get better. Detroit is killing themselves by fighting over a dwindling slice of the market share pie and cannibalizing each other while doing it. They must focus on fewer offerings and then make those products the best they can possibly be. But that is anathema to the Detroit mentality and frankly, to their dealers.

I once believed that whichever Detroit-based car company demonstrated the genuine vision needed to confront this dire situation, and make these difficult decisions, would have a head start on survival down the road. But now, that clearly won't be enough.

It's going to require one of the Detroit CEOs to step-up and say that this business model, as we know it, is obsolete - and unless fundamental changes are made in the way Detroit conducts its business, this downward spiral of gradual market share erosion will continue unabated, and this industry will go the way of the steel industry and the airlines.

Confronting this dire situation will require drastic changes in the union agreements, a total re-think of the health care system, and an intelligent reappraisal of all legacy costs. It will require a painful upheaval and ultimately a drastic contraction in this business on a scale never seen before - but unless and until these issues are confronted and dealt with, "Detroit" as we know it, is on borrowed time.

Not exactly an uplifting year-end message, but a realistic one. And a warning.

But in the end, it's nice to know that at least one adage about the auto biz remains more true than it ever has before, and that is that the Product is, was, and always will be King. The companies that understand this simple fact will at least keep themselves in the game.

In closing, I have included my ode to Detroit (below) that I did three Decembers ago, which people often ask us to reprise. It might help paint a picture for those of you who don't make your homes here of what it's like to live here - and what the soul of this place called the Motor City is all about.

"It's carbon and monoxide
The ole Detroit perfume
It hangs on the highways
In the morning
And it lays you down by noon..."

As Paul Simon so eloquently put it in "Papa Hobo," the auto "biz" is part of the very fabric of Detroit. It's our one true identifier to the nation and the world, and it made the moniker "The Motor City" synonymous with this town. There really is no other place quite like it on earth. Of course, there are other automotive centers - from Japan, Europe and other points around the world including the now emerging Korea connection - but the Motor City remains a unique place, or more accurately - a unique state of mind.

Detroit's version of the automobile business is an acquired taste, but it has a way of getting into your blood and not letting go. You can live here and pretend you have nothing to do with the business or that it doesn't affect you, but you'd be lying - and you'd be wrong.

It's not a business (or a city) for the faint of heart, but then again, it never was. There's a gritty, gutty atmosphere here in the Motor City, and as if to coincide with the hard-scrabble nature of the car biz, it's the details that make it so special - like the so-called "sky" that acts like a giant drop cloth, while churning through different shades of gray from December through March. Or the snowstorms that brew up at a moment's notice slinging snow sideways, as if to scoff at any protective clothing you may don to gird yourself for the day's battle. Or the grayish brown sludge that freezes at the side of the road and lingers in piles all the way to April. Or the road salt "storm clouds" that materialize and hang in the sub-zero air, coating everything in sight (including your lungs), while adding a touch of perverse symmetry to the proceedings.

And all of this is only exceeded by the brutal, pothole-infested roads that provide the wonderful transition to spring and then summer - when the endless construction season creates a maze of chaos that almost saps every last ounce of enjoyment out of the physical act of driving.

And "almost" is the operative word to use, because as daunting as it is to survive and occasionally even thrive around here, there's something addictive in the air that grabs hold of you and won't let go.

Mr. Simon summed it up best (and boy, do we miss the Red Wings now)...

"Detroit, Detroit
Got a hell of a hockey team
Got a left-handed way
Of making a man sign up on that
Automotive dream..."

I want to sincerely thank everyone for reading Autoextremist.com, which I'm proud to say remains the most influential and provocative source for commentary and informed opinion about the automotive business on the web today. Your continued support and encouragement is greatly appreciated. I'd like to thank all of our friends in the business at the car companies, the suppliers, our journalist colleagues, analysts, car dealers, PR people, ad agency friends, the racers, the motorsports community and, most of all, the enthusiasts who continue to make Wednesday mornings with us an important part of their week.

I would especially like to give my heartfelt thanks to Janice Putman and Allen Bukoff (and Dr. Bud too), because without them, we simply couldn't do what we do here every week at Autoextremist.com.

We wish you and yours all the best this Holiday Season and a happy, healthy and peaceful New Year.

Thanks for listening, and we'll see you on Wednesday, January 12, 2005, with our annual coverage from the 2005 Detroit Auto Show.

Snides Remarks: Thanks Peter, It makes me have faith in the world that there are others who see through the bull and incompetence, Happy New Year See ya in Detroit!